Sunday, May 22, 2011

Netanyahu Reconsiders Return to 1967 Borders

Benjamin Netanyahu has reconsidered President Obama’s request to pull back to 1967 borders in order to create a Palestinian State in the Mid-East. 
Netanyahu’s new proposal also creates a new Latino Homeland in the Southwestern United States.  Israeli officials feel the double move will solve both the Palestinian issue and the undocumented immigrant problem in the US.

Proposed Latino Homeland

Under the plan the United States would pull back to pre-1845 borders and create the United Latino States on land now occupied by Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, California and other States in the region.
The Israeli Prime Minister said the move is necessary to provide a homeland to the displaced Latinos now seeking admittance to the United States. 
White House Officials are studying the proposal.
 In a related action, Russia officially reclaimed Alaska since it was under Russian control in 1845.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Pittsburgh Pirates Sold; New Owner Moves Team

New Team Logo Unveiled
A spokesman for Major League Baseball confirmed reports that the Pittsburgh Pirates have been sold and the new owner plans to move the team to Somalia.  While  team on-field performance has improved, attendance remains at all time lows.  

Reeling from dropping attendance and minimal sales of team memorabilia the new owner sees the move as a win-win for fans and the club.
He went on to say, “The team is a non-entity in the area and can’t get any press coverage to stimulate their fan base.  Now, every time the news cycle reports on the pirates in Somalia we will be on people’s minds. 
Ticket Sales Team Escorts
New Fans to a Game

We are also excited by the prospect that every day can now be fireworks day and we feel that will attract families to the park.”
The 37 current Pirates season ticket holders will have first shot at seats in the new park.  The new Somalia Ballpark super boxes will include upgraded security and bullet proof glass. 

Team officials are excited about the special promotion days and plan to fire the opening day baseball to home plate from a SAM missile launcher.

The team expects a sharp increase in attendance and has already contracted with local leaders to divert passing ships to the games.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Harry Reid Caught in Lip Synching Controversy

Reid perfecting delivery

Under significant pressure to represent the Democratic Party in Congress following the Republican takeover in the House, Harry Reid took steps to improve his ability to speak with a clear, compelling voice.
Sources have learned that Reid underwent secret vocal training in an attempt to overcome his normally wimpish speech patterns.  After 8 weeks of intensive therapy the plan was abandoned and his advisors decided to hire a vocal stand in who will record all of Reid’s comments.  Plans call for Reid to deliver all future speeches by lip synching to the prerecorded tapes. 
Reid’s handlers are confident the change will work and are now considering options to give his face a more lifelike friendly look.