Wednesday, September 12, 2012

California Rescued From Financial Bankruptcy

New LA Laker Dance Team Debut
Reeling from a string of Municipal Bankruptcies, California Governor Jerry Brown took steps to resolve the States troubled finances. 

Brown confirmed that the Chinese government has bailed out California ending the fiscal challenge he inherited as Governor. 
Under the terms, California is now a province of China and is no longer a part of the United States. 
Talks are underway for a massive wall that will separate California from the remaining states.  In addition to providing border security for California it is expected to create 1.2 million new jobs.

Flag manufacturers expect a significant jump in sales of the new 49 State Flag but are delaying production plans while waiting to see if other states approach the Chinese Government.
President Obama applauded the move as a major step in reconnecting the United with the global community.

The Chinese officials were excited about the move and said they have big plans for the state.  In addition to a new Los Angeles Laker Dance Team they announced plans for a 40 foot fence and missile sites on the Mexican border to discourage illegal immigration.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Continuing Impact of Sanctions at Penn State

The Penn State Nittany Lions took the field on Saturday and broke a long standing tradition by having the player names on the back of the jerseys.

Head coach recently announced that a long time Nittany Lion tradition ends when players’ names appear on uniforms this year.  Broadcasters have often been challenged during play by play when relying only on numbers in the past welcomed the change.

 While many fans opposed the change they agreed it would now be easier to follow their favorite players. 

Unfortunately, with the transfer of most top players fans and sportscasters still don’t know who anyone is even with the names on the uniforms.

Penn State officials are considering other steps to resolve the problem including player photos on the sides of helmets and links to player Facebook Pages embedded  in the Game Programs.

Friday, September 7, 2012

Penn State Sells Joe Paterno Statue

Proposed Frazier Statue
When Penn State officials heard about the initiative to erect a statue honoring Joe Frazier in Philadelphia, they saw an opportunity to further distance themselves from the Sandusky sex scandal.

Penn State will sell the statue to and apply the proceeds to the NCAA Penalties. 

In a press release they announced  “We feel this is an ideal way to salvage the statue and repurpose it in an honorable way.” 

Under the plan, Paterno’s head will be removed and replaced with a likeness of Frazier. 

Representatives of the Frazier Statue Committee said they were excited about the offer and felt it will enable them to move up the unveiling and complete the project at a significantly reduced cost. 
The statue could be unveiled as soon as three months after they decide whether to use a hatless head or a head with a wide brimmed hat.
There was no mention of what would happen with Joe Paterno's head.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Obama Quietly Ends Gulf Trip

President Obama trip ends in disapointment
President Obama cancelled two fundraisers and delayed his arrival at the Democratic National Convention when his advisors suggested he make a Gulf trip on the Louisiana coast.

Jay Carney told the press that the president said a trip like this must always take precedence over fundraising and convention activities. 
Carney emphasized that concerns for the plight of the impacted Americans trumped politics and fund raising and hope this would end the focus on the presidents fundraising activities.

Upon arrival, the President's entourage quickly disembarked Air Force One and headed toward New Orleans.

When the caravan arrived at the site of the recent Hurricane destruction the President asked whether the Golf Course has sustained damage that would alter his approach to the game.

He grew visibly angry when aides told him there would be no golfing during the trip.

When informed the trip was intended to show his concern for Americans hit hard by the Hurricane he said, "Oh, I thought you said GOLF Trip, Not Gulf Trip.

The President quickly left New Orleans as aides tried furiously to reschedule the fundraisers.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Phillies Address Polanco Health Concerns

A swing away from another injury?
Continuing concerns about Placido Polanco's health spurred Ruben Amaro to act.  Polanco went 2 for 4 as he returned to the starting lineup last night.  While Charlie Manuel was glad to have Polanco back, the Phillies have concerns for the health of their aging third basemen. 

Doubtful Competency investigators have learned that Ruben Amaro officially requested a personalized change to the Disabled List Rules.  Amaro hopes to gain approval to put Polanco on a 15 Inning Disabled List instead of a 15 Day list when….I mean if he is reinjured over the rest of the year.

Under the proposal Polanco could be disabled for 15 innings allowing the Phillies to recall another player during his recovery.  If his condition improves before the end of an extra inning  game he could reenter the game at the same position he was in when injured.

Friday, August 3, 2012

Latest Trade in Phillies Rebuilding Process

Fans react to news they've been traded
The Phillies entered the second phase of the team breakup as Ruben Amaro  agreed to swap 14 Seating Sections in Citizens Bank Park for 28 Sections of Kansas City's Royal Stadium.

Amaro said the club is sending twice as many sections since Kansas City attendance is about 50% of the Philles attendance.

He feels the move will help the club weather the rebuilding process by replacing some long time fans accustomed to winning with less demanding fans who have no memory of the recent string of championships.

Amaro said, "We want to make sure our new and young players have the opportunity to learn and grow in a friendly ballpark atmosphere without the pressure of winning now.  Our scouts feel the new fans will keep a lower profile and just enjoy the night at the park.

The front office is contacting the affected fans and they are expected to report to Royal Stadium by  Monday.  When asked how he could guarantee the fans will report he referred to some small print in the season ticket agreements that gives the club unlimited options to change fans seats.  While acknowledging that they had never before moved them to other ballparks he felt comfortable that the move is legal and will be approved by Major League Baseball.

Amaro also indicated there could be more fan moves if the remaining ticket holders demonstrate any negative reactions during games.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Texas Town Announces anti-Obesity Plan

Link to original story:
The small town of McAllen Texas was stunned to learn they top the list of cities with obese residents. According to a Gallup survey 38% of residents are classified as obese.

City planners shocked at town obesity rate

City officials reacted quickly to combat citizen obesity and announced a major initiative to sharply reduce the percentage.   They announced a contract with a major headhunter firm to recruit fit people who will be offered free housing for 24 months in an effort to reduce the percent of obese residents.

The focus will be on locating fit families to achieve the quickest results but individuals who meet the criteria will also be considered.

The Mayor expresses his optimism that the town would soon fall in line with the national average.

He went on to deny accusations that they were also secretly relocating obese residents in surrounding towns in an attempt to expedite the results.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Ruiz Kidnapping Puts Phillies Season in Jeopardy

Kidnappers eagerly await minor leaguers & bobbleheads
Phillies officials confirmed on Wednesday that Carlos Ruiz was kidnapped during a trip to visit family members in Panama.  The Identity of the kidnappers is unknown but within hours Ruben Amaro Jr. he brought the incident to a successful conclusion. 

The incident bore an eerie resemblance to the recent kidnapping of the Nationals Wilson Ramos but it was successfully resolved without military action.

Amaro responded to the kidnapper’s initial demand of $10 Million with a counter offer that formed the basis of an agreement.  Unconfirmed reports indicate Scott Boras represented the kidnappers.

 Ruiz was released after Amaro offered 2 minor leaguers, $250, a one year supply of Dollar Dogs and Charley Manual Bubbleheads for each Kidnapper.

When questioned, Amaro said he was pleased with the final details and said this will not count as an option for either minor leaguer.  He said this was a win-win solution for all.  The Phillies are high on the potential of both of the traded minor leaguers but they are considered soft and unconditioned.  Amaro said a stint living in the mountains with the kidnappers was just what they needed to reach their full potential as players.

Neither of the minor league players were not identified pending notification of their relatives and they were available for comment.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Hilary Discovers New Family Tree Branch

Hilary Clinton did not expect any surprises when she agreed to appear on the NBC Show, “Who Do You Think You Are”.  She soon found out that like most families there are secrets waiting to be uncovered.
Genealogical researchers discovered that she is actually the great granddaughter of Popeye the Sailor.
Hillary was reportedly shocked by the news but commented that it could explain her long time passion for spinach. 
Striking Family Resemblance
 An evaluation of family photos further supported the findings and showed a shocking resemblance between Mrs. Hilary and Popeye.

Hillary was not available for comment but her spokesperson said, “She am what she am.”

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Obama Announces New Capital Loss Tax Plan

Obama announces bold new plan
President Obama unveiled a dramatic plan to ensure the tax system is fairer during the State of the Union Address .  He proposed strong steps to eliminate capital losses,  a major tax loophole currently enjoyed by the wealthiest of Americans.

Not only do the wealthy avoid tax on their losses but they are able to deduct them from their gains.  The President’s plan will eliminate this double dip benefit unavailable to working Americans.
Under the plan investors will pay a 35% surcharge on investment losses.  The announcement was met with strong approval of the Occupy Movement, Union Leaders and Social Activists.
A spokesman for Occupy America said, “The Privileged class will now have to pay a significantly higher portion of the Federal Budget enabling us to expand social programs and level the playing field for the 99%.
The President said, “We need to make sure all have a fair shot at the American Dream and by significantly reducing the wealth held among a small group we will finally move closer to that dream.”
The Administration also expects the move to significantly increase revenues and reduce the debt.
The President dismissed complaints from the Right that the plan will discourage investors and negatively impact employment and the US economy.  Democratic spokesman pointed out that the more the Stock Market drops the greater the tax revenues under this ingenious plan.
He went on to say that he hopes to eliminate wealth during his second term and put everyone on the same level.  He expressed hope that America will soon see a day when all Americans share in the absence of prosperity and wealth.
Harry Reid was confident that most investors will lose virtually all their wealth as the market drops generating massive new tax revenues.