Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Obama Administration Acts to Prevent Future WikiLeaks

President Obama moved aggressively today to deal with security breaches from the Wiki Leaks threat.  Today,  he signed an executive order that eliminates the Government security classification program.  Effective immediately all government documents will be unclassified and will be published in a new weekly magazine.

The President said, "We will no longer live under the threat that our deepest intelligence and diplomatic communications will be revealed in this spectacular fashion.  Let me be clear, we are now completely in control of the release of all government communications."

Officials feel that the sheer volume of government documents will make it more difficult for anyone to extract the truly sensitive material.  In addition there are plans to offer subscriptions to the publication that will provide a new funding source for future initiatives.

For more information about subscriptions call 1-800-SEC-RETS.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Rally in DC ends in Confusion

Gobler Groups Grapple in DC 
Over 200,000 demonstrators showed up at the Capital on Wednesday  in what was billed as a "Save the Turkey Protest."  White House organizers said they planned a small light hearted rally in support of the traditional Presidential  Thanksgiving Turkey Pardon. 

Organizers were shocked when large crowds of protestors rolled in carrying signs in support of hundreds of turkeys.

 In additions to signs supporting Sarah Palin, Harry Reid and President Obama,  there were numerous signs supporting  the Washington Redskins and the Nationals baseball team.  Several signs called for the EU to bail out the Turkish economy.

Spontaneous counter demonstrations sprung up throughout the Mall with demonstrators  carrying "Cook the Goose" signs bearing many of the same names as the turkey supporters.  Observers reported intermittent  sightings of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi shouting, "We need to cook the turkey so we can see what's inside it."

When asked about the confusion,  Robert Gibbs said the President admits he needed to do a better job explaining the plan and vowed to make several prime time speeches leading up to next years  Turkey Pardon.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Scandal Rocks Thanksgiving Day Parade

Scandal Threatens Performers
Officials are scurrying  to recover from allegations that Sesame Street Characters performing on the steps of the Philadelphia Art Museum were actually lip synching.

While  still not conclusive, slow motion video seems to indicate that their mouths were not moving in synch with the voices.  

A spokesman for Sesame Street refused to comment but Parade Officials apologized for the incident and vowed that if true,  next year they will hire Simon Cowell to ensure that the singers perform live.

There were also allegations that the Characters were actually people dressed in costumes.  Both Sesame Street and Parade Officials  vigorously denied the accusation.


Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Saturday Night Live Star & David Bowie Sign with TSA

Pat, the androgynous former star of Saturday Night Live has been hired by TSA to relieve  security Pat-Down  backlogs.

TSA guidelines call for pat downs by screeners of the same sex as the traveler.  This has caused hardships in some locations that have inadequate staff.  TSA officials point to the hiring as a major step to reduce delays.

A spokesperson announced that Pat is the first Switch Pat-Downer who is able to examine either men or women.

Officials anticipate creating a new agency wide position for additional androgynous screeners who can fill in as needed. They plan  to work with David Bowie using Ziggy Stardust as the hiring initiative spokesperson in commercials and on billboards.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Pope Proclaims Condoms Appropriate in Some Circumstances

Pope  Benedict ruled today that practicing Catholics can use condoms in some circumstances and still remain in compliance with Church Doctrine.

A Vatican spokesman said that after much prayer and reflection the Pontiff feels it is ok to use condoms as helium filled balloons, punching bags for young children or smiley faces.

He is still considering the use in water balloon contests but has some concerns this may give an unfair advantage if other contestants use regular balloons.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Airlines Report TSA Pat Downs Causing Increase in Empty Seats

Airlines are faced with another fiscal challenge due to sharply falling ridership.  Virtually all flights are flying at less than 72% capacity.  Officials were puzzled since at the same time ticket sales have risen sharply.

A study group discovered that physically unattractive men and women are purchasing refundable tickets so that they can be patted down at the security gate.  They decline the scanner and request pat downs by the opposite sex.  They return to the counter requesting cash refunds for their tickets and then leave the terminal.

An unidentified homely man seen leaving the terminal said, "This was the best date I've ever had.  Next week I'm not flying to Las Vegas."

Airlines and TSA officials are working with the White House to implement pat down security check points at retail malls to address the no fly problem.  "We feel that if we provide an easy access alternative for these unfortunate men and women we can have a win-win result and stimulate the economy with increased sales for retailers."

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Playboy Magazine Announces New Special TSA Edition

Playboy announced plans for "The Girls of the TSA Scanners" using leaked TSA Scanner photos of women fliers. The spokesman said, "We are very excited about this entirely new genre that we expect to make a significant impact on sales.

Customers will have a unique opportunity to see their friends and neighbors unclothed in the scanner photos. Fliers can also scan the publication themselves to find out if they made the final cut. Playboy plans to pay a stipend to anyone who finds themselves in the publication which adds another incentive and a scavenger hunt quality to the magazine.

The spokesman admits there is not much variety in the current crop of photos.  Everyone is merely standing upright and holding their arms upwards but they hope to form a partnership with TSA officials that will result in a variety of poses at the direction of airport screeners

Monday, November 15, 2010

Unknown Alaskan Write in Candidate Wins Senate Seat

In a shocking development Republican nominee Joe Miller withdrew from the race when the number of write-in votes was announced. He said that the people have spoken and the write-in candidate should take the seat. He also said he recently realized the Capital is in Washington DC, not Washington State and that there are no moose there.

Alaska is the first state in over 50 years to elect a write in candidate to the Senate. Analysts expected Lisa Murkowski to be that person but she lost out to a surprise winner.

There were 81,692 write in votes that included 673 variations of "Lisa Murkowski". A judge ruled that there were far too many variations of spelling making it impossible to assign the votes to the former Republican Senator. She received credit for 246 votes with the correct spelling.

Officials have confirmed that there were also 247 votes correctly spelled for John Smith making him the winner.

46 John Smiths have claimed victory so far. Additional John Smiths have until Friday to join the group.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Airlines Give Glowing Reports of TSA Body Scanners

Link to original story: http://www.cnn.com/2010/TRAVEL/11/12/body.scanning.radiation/index.html?hpt=T2

Airline officials report significant savings as a result of the low level glow emitted by passengers on red-eye flights.

"We are finding that the low dose radiation applied by the TSA full body scanners has the positive side effect of reducing lighting costs during nighttime flights."

There are no apparent effects on infrequent travelers but passengers find the low greenish glow emitted by frequent fliers to be quite soothing during long night flights.

Passengers also report it is now easier to locate flight attendants who  also glow in the dark.

TSA officials are excited about the discovery and are considering increasing the radiation dosage for infrequent travellers so they can also enjoy this glowing experience.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Department Of Education Targets Foreign Language Skills

 Americans lag far behind the world in foreign language skills.  A blue ribbon panel presented a plan expected to be approved to significantly improve Americans ability to blend into multi cultural language situations.

The panel identified a lack of willingness to spend time learning a new language as a root cause of the problem.  In order to ensure success, they propose a low stress,  quick turnaround approach  that focuses on pronunciation and accents instead of vocabulary.

Effective September  2011, all high school students will be required to take Multi-lingual Accent Training.   Initial plans call for classes in Irish Brogue, Indian,  Yiddish and French.  There are also plans for an Italian program that will incorporate hand movements.

An NEA Spokesperson said, "Now our graduates can compete for high paying customer service positions in India without revealing they are actually low skilled Americans. "

Studies also revealed that effective use of an Irish Brogue defuses anger and leads to more upbeat conversations in difficult situations. It also qualifies graduates for food service positions in Faux Irish Pubs throughout the country.

When asked about when the Italian Accent Course would be available the Spokesperson turned his palms upward and shrugged his shoulders.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Scientists Announce Development of 'Invisibility Cloak' Fabric

A University of St Andrews research team has produced a smart fabric that can bend light around a wearer rendering them invisible.

A Spokesperson announced that recent tests of the “invisibility cloak material” were an astounding success that will be the catalyst for significant changes in all facets of society.  In additions to the obvious espionage potential they also see a place for the material in everyday society. 

“Just imagine, now husbands can spend time in their favorite sports bar without fear of being caught by their spouse.”

When asked about plans for a demonstration, he admitted that they can’t seem to find the test fabric right now but confidently assured all that it’s here somewhere.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

News Alert…Democrats Confess their Role in Republican Gains

High placed Democrat planners smugly confessed that recent election results fell out exactly as they had planned. Republicans will no longer be able to complain that their voices are not heard and can no longer accuse Democrats of running roughshod over them in passing legislation.

While Republican pundits reveled in the apparent redirection of American politics they were stunned to learn they were actually pawns in a well-constructed and implemented Democratic plan.

DNC Chairman Tim Kaine said he was concerned that their strategy might leak prior to the election and spoil their efforts to return to minority status in the house. Asked if he had any regrets he admitted he needed to do more to make sure Harry Reid and Barbara Boxer were included in planning for the next election cycle.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Archeologist Discovers Earliest Prehistoric News Report

A University of Pennsylvania archeologist discovered new evidence of man’s concerns for species eradication.  Animal rights groups applaud the find as evidence that man has been the prime cause of species extinctions as far back as 100 Million BC. 
The stone carvings of a National Prehistoric Radio (NPR) transcript express concerns that Carnivore Dinosaurs are in serious danger as a result of new log home construction depriving the herbivores of their major food source.  As human bi pods move from cave dwellings to log based housing projects,  herbivores are dying and carnivores are now faced with dwindling sources of nutrition that threaten their long term existence.  
Humans for Herbivores, a group allegedly funded by Gorg Saurus staged rallies in support of the carnivores.  Demonstrators carried signs condemning the “Tree Butchers” for damaging the fragile eco system.  The rally was broken up when a group of tyrannosaurus rexes, allegedly funded by the log dwellers, caused a riot and dispersed the group. 

At least 25 demonstrators are unaccounted for.  The T-Rex’s were later seen sleeping and surrounded by unknown bones.  Dinosaur rights groups hailed the missing demonstrators as patriots willing to help the Carnivores until more reliable food sources are found.  They pledge to raise a mealitia of new supporters willing to aid the oppressed meat eaters. 

Group leaders did not comment on reports that the membership drive is going slowly.
The only other dust covered stone records referred to a large flaming object in the sky that seemed to be growing larger each day ….