Thursday, April 28, 2011

Paul Giamatti cast as Napolitano in Lifetime Bio Pic

Janet Napolitano...I think
Lifetime Network producers announced the signing of Paul Giamatti to portray Janet Napolitano in a Biopic  planned for release next year. 
At a press conference announcing the signing studio executives said they were thrilled with the move and expected to save considerably on special effects makeup considering the uncanny resemblance the actor bears with the Homeland Security Director.
The studio came up with the idea after someone observed Giamatti being waved through the Orange County Airport Security line while screeners referred to him as “Director Napolitano”.  

Paul Giamatti...I think

 The actor unsuccessfuly tried to convince them he was not Napolitano.  TSA Screeners refused to believe him and thought it was a segment of “Undercover Boss”,  the CBS Series featuring Company CEO’s who go undercover to assess how their business operates.

The actor was able to make his flight only after he agreed to be the homeland security director and he was allowed to pass through without a pat down check.

Napolitano does not support the move and is concerned that Giamatti may  be too feminine fo the role.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Easter in Jeopardy as Area Church Service Grinds to a Halt

O'Malley confession continues
The regular church service schedule at Our Lady of the Sepulcher was discontinued forcing parishioners to attend Mass at other neighboring Churches.

The parish recently completed a major spiritual renewal outreach to encourage wayward non practicing parishioners to return to active membership.

One returning parishioner, Martin O’Malley, was particularly inspired and attended the Saturday afternoon penance service on January 8th.  He began confessing his sins accumulated over the 42 years since his last confession.  Mr. O’Malley remained in the confessional for the past 12 weeks and officials are reluctant to conduct mass while the confession continues.

Church officials are not sure how much longer the confession will last but there are unconfirmed rumors that Mr. O’Malley is now up to sins committed in 1998.

While parishioners are pleased about his return to the Church they are anxiously hoping the confession is completed in time for Easter Services at the parish.  There are concerns that even when the confession ends that the services will remain suspended while Mr. O’Malley recites his penance.

Diocesan officials worry that the service suspension will result is a sharp rise in ongoing confessions by parishioners who had negative thoughts about Mr. O’Malley and are considering a fund drive to add confessionals to the church.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

President Budget Reduces Deficit by $1 Trillion

A review of leaked copies of the President’s speech indicate he will propose a major change to how Federal Employees are reimbursed over a five year period in a drastic effort to eliminate the federal deficit and make significant inroads into the current Federal Debt.
President Obama's plan calls for a complete elimination of all Federal Salaries for the next five years.  Federal employees will be assigned to the nation’s wealthiest citizens who will cover their living expenses for the next five years.
The White House expects to gain bipartisan support for the measure since it avoids increasing tax rates on the wealthy and significantly reduces federal spending.
Details of the plan are unclear but it is expected that the wealthy will be entitled to exemptions for the Federal Employees they support during the program.   The plan reduces the federal budget by $259 Billion per year and saves $1.3 Trillion over five years.
 Even with the elimination of all federal salary costs the FY 12 deficit is $1.386 Trillion and there is speculation of additional drastic steps in the President’s plan.
Unconfirmed Pentagon rumors include a 24 month stand down of the military that would eliminate all military spending and furlough all service personnel for two years.  Funding for Veterans as well as Foreign Military and Economic aid would continue.
If implemented this would eliminate another $1.536 Trillion over two years.  After elimination of the Military the FY 12 budget deficit drops to a mere $618 Billion.
Defense officials feel it would take foreign nations at least 30 months to effectively mount a military action against the United States and that they could easily respond to any gathering threat in the six months after the stand down.
Reaction to the plan from federal employees is mixed.  Most want to know who they will be assigned to before making a decision.
 Budget Recap (In Billions) 

Initial Spending Plan
Initial Deficit
Federal Salary Elimination
Military Defense Elimination
Revised FY12 Deficit


Even with these satirical...and impossible... budget reductions we have a significant problem caused by reckless practices of both parties that now needs to be addressed...There are no simple sound bite solutions and partisan attacks don't advance a solution.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Trump Uncovers New Obama Birth Controversy

Trump exposes birth controversy
Researchers commisioned by Donald Trump made a stunning discovery when they located Barrack Obama’s actual birth certificate in Hawaii.  The document conclusively proves the President was born there but raises a shocking new development.
Apparently, previous attempts to locate the document were thwarted by an inaccurate birth date.  Obama was actually born on August 4, 1976 making him only 32 when he was elected president.  The minimum age requirement to run for president is 35 and his presidency is now in jeopardy.
In a prepared statement the President said he just got caught up in the enthusiasm and did not want to disappoint his supporters when they encouraged him to run. He prayed over the matter and came to the conclusion that he was the best person for the job even if he was not technically eligible.
The White House refused to comment when asked which God Obama had prayed to.
Supporters of the president state the issue is a canard and that surely the framers understood that in the future a young candidate who was mature beyond his years would emerge as the best choice to lead the nation.  The Constitution needs to be living document that recognizes societal change.
A statement from the Democratic National Committee states that the most important consideration should be who is best able to lead our nation, not how old is he.
The White House also released a confidential report confirming that psychologists certified the President  has the maturity of a 72 year old man and a 35 year old woman making him eligible for the office.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Startling New Evidence of Human Evolution

Scientists are excited about the discovery of a man whose skin bonded with the fabric of a lounge chair after sitting in it for over 2 years.   

A spokesman for the Genetic Evolutionary Center said, “In the short span of 2 years we see clear proof that mankind is still genetically adapting to its surrounding environment as it struggles to survive.

The research team contends that the skin bonding with the recliner is a natural evolutionary progression as males evolve from hunter gatherers to a more sedentary lifestyle. 

Closer study revealed that the man’s legs were growing shorter and he has sprouted four additional fingers on each hand making it easier to handle the television remote control.

Scientists expect a sharp increase in evolutionary evidence and are following up on reports of a West Palm Beach woman who has multiple Credit Card Magnetic strips appearing on her wrist and forearm.