Thursday, March 31, 2011

Top NCAA Teams Demand Do Over

Top schools allege upsets are unfair
Duke, Syracuse, Florida, Kansas and Notre Dame University have petitioned the NCAA to call for a do over so they can attempt to reverse upset losses in this year’s March Madness Tournament.

In a joint statement the teams contend they were unprepared for the inferior lower seeds ability to compete and state that they would have taken the games more seriously if they knew their opponents were really going to try to win.

The petition is cosigned by 2,573,626 NCAA Basketball Pool participants who feel their pool picks were really much better than the actual way the tournament has evolved and demand that history be corrected.

The White House confirmed rumors that President Obama has signed the petition and asked Attorney General Eric Holder to provide full support to the petitioners in the effort.

Hillary Clinton is reportedly in negotiations with the University of Pittsburgh in a last ditch attempt to convince them to join in the effort and salvage the President’s bracket picks.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Obama Takes Leads in Egyptian Snake Search

President Obama, reeling from criticism that he has not effectively led the effort in Libya took prompt unilateral steps today to form a coalition in the United Nations to deal with the escaped Egyptian Cobra at the Brooklyn zoo.

Unidentified White House officials were quick to praise the president’s decisive action and expect a multi-national coalition will begin the search in Brooklyn by next week.  They expect the move to reassure voters that the President is able to effectively lead the nation through the many unique challenges it now faces. 

In a prepared statement the President said, “Snakes have been recorded as a threat as far back as the Garden of Eden.  The American people expect their leaders to protect them and my plan will effectively eliminate this threat. 

The President went on to say that Garden of Eden was believed by many to be in an area now occupied by Iraq and that the previous administration took no steps to deal with this potential problem.

The Arab League and CAIR reacted sharply to the news and condemned the plan citing it as another example of American oppression.  They pointed out that the snake was in the United States legally and is entitled to the same freedoms as other domestic animals.

Upon hearing the opposition, President Obama called for a pause in action and put Vice President Biden in charge of the effort. 

The Vice President announced that he would  embark tomorrow on a 15 day expedition to the Amazon  and the Southwest to study the habits of snakes and would soon release a comprehensive plan to recapture to serpent.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Undocumented Aliens Invade DC

Alien attorneys discuss suit

An alien spacecraft landed on the mall in Washington DC early this morning setting off alarms and elevating the Military readiness level to Defcon 4.

At 11:08 AM, three creatures emerged from the craft as terrified onlookers ran from the scene.  The creatures were carrying a case and quickly left in a cab headed towards Pennsylvania Avenue.  Police and military attempted to pursue but were unable to keep up with the taxi as it sped towards Georgetown.

At 2:18 PM the creatures returned and immediately called a press conference before boarding their spacecraft.   The aliens are able to communicate using any earth language but settled on Spanish because they assumed it was the national language.  Apparently, they had been to California last week but no one noticed anything unusual as they travelled the state. 

The Aliens announced that today they served legal papers on several Georgetown area residents attempting to register stars and that more suits would follow.

The Aliens distributed copies of a document and announced that they represented the Galactic Matter Development Board in a claim against 28,000 earthlings who are attempting to change the names of previously claimed stars through

As word spread, masses of local trial lawyers began to assemble in the area hoping to represent the earthlings named in the suit.

The Aliens contend that 92% of the stars have already been claimed by citizens of Galdorp 7 and that any further activity would result in 8th Degree intergalactic lawsuits that are decided in a physical battle to the death between opposing lawyers.  On their world these lawsuits are shown on highly rated Holographic Video broadcasts. 

They report that in addition to providing entertaining violent programming it significantly limits the number of frivolous lawsuits.

As the Alien spoke, the assembled trial lawyers began to quietly leave the area and declined to comment.

Shortly after the craft rose and disappeared on the horizon, the Senate took up debate to determine if the aliens were entitled to citizenship and all benefits.   The San Francisco Board of Supervisors approved a vote declaring it was an official Sanctuary City for any intergalactic aliens who choose to settle there.

A spokesman for said they intended to aggressively contest the charges.  There was no confirmation to reports that they are unable to find a lawyer willing to represent them.  At last report they are working with World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) to find a representative to handle the suit.

Monday, March 7, 2011

New Plans Unveiled to Eliminate All Greenhouse Gasses

New Solution to Climate Change
Climatologists released a major report endorsing a plan they believe will eliminate greenhouse gasses and end the global warming threat once and for all. 

Irving M. Dents, PhD announced that the solution is so simple that it was overlooked all these years.  The plan calls for the immediate destruction of all greenhouses throughout the world.  Doctor Dents is confident his plan will virtually eliminate the gasses emanating from the greenhouses ending the global threat.  He predicts that temperatures will immediately drop and climates will stabilize at normal levels.

The proposal was met with skepticism by another group of scientists who fear the plan will result in catastrophic damages throughout the world.  Their report warns of dire consequences if greenhouses are destroyed and release all their gas into the atmosphere.  The group agrees the greenhouses are at the heart of the solution but they insist we need thousands of additional larger greenhouses to contain the gasses preventing them from leaking into the atmosphere.

Politicians are divided along party lines with Democrats supporting the destruction of greenhouses and adding that the effort will create thousands of new greenhouse demolition jobs.

Republicans feel additional greenhouses will not only solve the environmental challenge but will also stimulate the economy and create thousands of new greenhouse construction jobs.

The Administration is considering the proposals and may move forward with both rather than risk picking the wrong solution. Regardless of the final decision they plan to propose a new Green Jobs Investment Tax on the building or destruction of any greenhouses.  

Officials are discussing whether the new greenhouses should be constructed on the sites of the newly destroyed ones or whether they should be built in new locations.  Analysts expect them to decide on new locations so that the destruction and construction can begin simultaneously.  The $427 Billion effort will begin using stimulus funds. 

The Congressional Budget Office estimates the effort will eliminate the current deficit by reducting future medical costs as a result of the improved climate.  The Senate Finance Committee is already planning how to use the projected savings to fund additional new projects.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

FBI Restructures as White Collar Crime Drops

Criminals favor business casual dress

The impact of the recent budget cuts is already impacting the FBI.  Agency officials are studying how to react to the sharp decrease in White Collar Crimes.  Congressional pressure to reduce costs and streamline operations is driving plans to significantly reorganize the operation.

An FBI spokesman said the drop in white collar crime can be tied to the sharp increase in business casual dress codes throughout the business community. 

He went on to say that at the same time, Business Casual Crime has sharply increased.   This has complicated the investigation process because agents can no longer focus only on those in white shirts.  The new criminal could conceivably be wearing any kind of casual clothing to blend in with the crowd. 

The Bureau is funding a $705 million study to determine clothing trends of the new business world criminals.  They plan to update training and investigative techniques to refocus their efforts on the most likely offenders.

The spokesman said, "No longer will our agents be forced to work in the dark.  Now they will have the intelligence they need to dismantle the growing business casual criminal networks that have infiltrated the business world.