Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Lesbians Booted From San Francisco Museum

Unnaceptable museum behavior
Link to story -

The gay community was shocked to learn that a very liberal San Francisco art museum removed a lesbian couple viewing an exposition of a well know gay artist.

Local activists took quick action to boycott the museum and demanded that the San Francisco Board of Supervisors intervene. 
The plans were cancelled, when a museum spokeswoman explained that the couple was not complying with rules governing gay visitors and was welcome to return if they modified their behavior. 
Apparently, the museum recently implemented a policy requiring that all lesbian couples engage in continuous tongue kissing while viewing gay artist exhibitions.  The offending couple was only holding hands when they were removed. 

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Unpublished John Lennon Imagine Lyrics Discovered

Lennon preferred Reagan over Carter
The Toronto Sun reported that John Lennon was a closet Republican at the end  of his life who was somewhat embarrassed at his naiveté in his younger days.  The news surfaced in a new documentary about Lennon and reveals that he would have voted for Ronald Reagan over Jimmy Carter.

While not verified it is rumored that before his death Lennon rewrote his famous song Imagine to reflect his maturing view of the world. 
Yoko Ono was meeting with her accountant to explore new Tax Shelters and was unavailable for comment. A spokesperson said Ono still strongly supports wealth redistribution to aid the disadvantaged  as long as it does not affect her.
Doubtful Competency has secured a document alleged to be penned by Lennon shortly before his death.
Imagine (Revised 1980)
Imagine there are no liberals
It’s easy if you try
Someday I hope they realize
It’s all just pie in the sky
Imagine all the people
Responsible for themselves

Imagine there’s no welfare
None for businesses too
No one we have to pay to
Do what they already do
Imagine all the people
Responsible for themselves

You may say I’m a demon
But I’m not the only one
We’re all just really tired of
Taking care of everyone.

Imagine your possessions
Your house, your boat, your car
Are not despised by someone
Who dislikes how rich you are
Imagine all the people
Keeping what they have

You may say that I’m a demon
But I’m not the only one
We’re all just really tired of
Taking care of everyone.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Netanyahu Reconsiders Return to 1967 Borders

Benjamin Netanyahu has reconsidered President Obama’s request to pull back to 1967 borders in order to create a Palestinian State in the Mid-East. 
Netanyahu’s new proposal also creates a new Latino Homeland in the Southwestern United States.  Israeli officials feel the double move will solve both the Palestinian issue and the undocumented immigrant problem in the US.

Proposed Latino Homeland

Under the plan the United States would pull back to pre-1845 borders and create the United Latino States on land now occupied by Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, California and other States in the region.
The Israeli Prime Minister said the move is necessary to provide a homeland to the displaced Latinos now seeking admittance to the United States. 
White House Officials are studying the proposal.
 In a related action, Russia officially reclaimed Alaska since it was under Russian control in 1845.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Pittsburgh Pirates Sold; New Owner Moves Team

New Team Logo Unveiled
A spokesman for Major League Baseball confirmed reports that the Pittsburgh Pirates have been sold and the new owner plans to move the team to Somalia.  While  team on-field performance has improved, attendance remains at all time lows.  

Reeling from dropping attendance and minimal sales of team memorabilia the new owner sees the move as a win-win for fans and the club.
He went on to say, “The team is a non-entity in the area and can’t get any press coverage to stimulate their fan base.  Now, every time the news cycle reports on the pirates in Somalia we will be on people’s minds. 
Ticket Sales Team Escorts
New Fans to a Game

We are also excited by the prospect that every day can now be fireworks day and we feel that will attract families to the park.”
The 37 current Pirates season ticket holders will have first shot at seats in the new park.  The new Somalia Ballpark super boxes will include upgraded security and bullet proof glass. 

Team officials are excited about the special promotion days and plan to fire the opening day baseball to home plate from a SAM missile launcher.

The team expects a sharp increase in attendance and has already contracted with local leaders to divert passing ships to the games.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Harry Reid Caught in Lip Synching Controversy

Reid perfecting delivery

Under significant pressure to represent the Democratic Party in Congress following the Republican takeover in the House, Harry Reid took steps to improve his ability to speak with a clear, compelling voice.
Sources have learned that Reid underwent secret vocal training in an attempt to overcome his normally wimpish speech patterns.  After 8 weeks of intensive therapy the plan was abandoned and his advisors decided to hire a vocal stand in who will record all of Reid’s comments.  Plans call for Reid to deliver all future speeches by lip synching to the prerecorded tapes. 
Reid’s handlers are confident the change will work and are now considering options to give his face a more lifelike friendly look.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Paul Giamatti cast as Napolitano in Lifetime Bio Pic

Janet Napolitano...I think
Lifetime Network producers announced the signing of Paul Giamatti to portray Janet Napolitano in a Biopic  planned for release next year. 
At a press conference announcing the signing studio executives said they were thrilled with the move and expected to save considerably on special effects makeup considering the uncanny resemblance the actor bears with the Homeland Security Director.
The studio came up with the idea after someone observed Giamatti being waved through the Orange County Airport Security line while screeners referred to him as “Director Napolitano”.  

Paul Giamatti...I think

 The actor unsuccessfuly tried to convince them he was not Napolitano.  TSA Screeners refused to believe him and thought it was a segment of “Undercover Boss”,  the CBS Series featuring Company CEO’s who go undercover to assess how their business operates.

The actor was able to make his flight only after he agreed to be the homeland security director and he was allowed to pass through without a pat down check.

Napolitano does not support the move and is concerned that Giamatti may  be too feminine fo the role.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Easter in Jeopardy as Area Church Service Grinds to a Halt

O'Malley confession continues
The regular church service schedule at Our Lady of the Sepulcher was discontinued forcing parishioners to attend Mass at other neighboring Churches.

The parish recently completed a major spiritual renewal outreach to encourage wayward non practicing parishioners to return to active membership.

One returning parishioner, Martin O’Malley, was particularly inspired and attended the Saturday afternoon penance service on January 8th.  He began confessing his sins accumulated over the 42 years since his last confession.  Mr. O’Malley remained in the confessional for the past 12 weeks and officials are reluctant to conduct mass while the confession continues.

Church officials are not sure how much longer the confession will last but there are unconfirmed rumors that Mr. O’Malley is now up to sins committed in 1998.

While parishioners are pleased about his return to the Church they are anxiously hoping the confession is completed in time for Easter Services at the parish.  There are concerns that even when the confession ends that the services will remain suspended while Mr. O’Malley recites his penance.

Diocesan officials worry that the service suspension will result is a sharp rise in ongoing confessions by parishioners who had negative thoughts about Mr. O’Malley and are considering a fund drive to add confessionals to the church.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

President Budget Reduces Deficit by $1 Trillion

A review of leaked copies of the President’s speech indicate he will propose a major change to how Federal Employees are reimbursed over a five year period in a drastic effort to eliminate the federal deficit and make significant inroads into the current Federal Debt.
President Obama's plan calls for a complete elimination of all Federal Salaries for the next five years.  Federal employees will be assigned to the nation’s wealthiest citizens who will cover their living expenses for the next five years.
The White House expects to gain bipartisan support for the measure since it avoids increasing tax rates on the wealthy and significantly reduces federal spending.
Details of the plan are unclear but it is expected that the wealthy will be entitled to exemptions for the Federal Employees they support during the program.   The plan reduces the federal budget by $259 Billion per year and saves $1.3 Trillion over five years.
 Even with the elimination of all federal salary costs the FY 12 deficit is $1.386 Trillion and there is speculation of additional drastic steps in the President’s plan.
Unconfirmed Pentagon rumors include a 24 month stand down of the military that would eliminate all military spending and furlough all service personnel for two years.  Funding for Veterans as well as Foreign Military and Economic aid would continue.
If implemented this would eliminate another $1.536 Trillion over two years.  After elimination of the Military the FY 12 budget deficit drops to a mere $618 Billion.
Defense officials feel it would take foreign nations at least 30 months to effectively mount a military action against the United States and that they could easily respond to any gathering threat in the six months after the stand down.
Reaction to the plan from federal employees is mixed.  Most want to know who they will be assigned to before making a decision.
 Budget Recap (In Billions) 

Initial Spending Plan
Initial Deficit
Federal Salary Elimination
Military Defense Elimination
Revised FY12 Deficit


Even with these satirical...and impossible... budget reductions we have a significant problem caused by reckless practices of both parties that now needs to be addressed...There are no simple sound bite solutions and partisan attacks don't advance a solution.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Trump Uncovers New Obama Birth Controversy

Trump exposes birth controversy
Researchers commisioned by Donald Trump made a stunning discovery when they located Barrack Obama’s actual birth certificate in Hawaii.  The document conclusively proves the President was born there but raises a shocking new development.
Apparently, previous attempts to locate the document were thwarted by an inaccurate birth date.  Obama was actually born on August 4, 1976 making him only 32 when he was elected president.  The minimum age requirement to run for president is 35 and his presidency is now in jeopardy.
In a prepared statement the President said he just got caught up in the enthusiasm and did not want to disappoint his supporters when they encouraged him to run. He prayed over the matter and came to the conclusion that he was the best person for the job even if he was not technically eligible.
The White House refused to comment when asked which God Obama had prayed to.
Supporters of the president state the issue is a canard and that surely the framers understood that in the future a young candidate who was mature beyond his years would emerge as the best choice to lead the nation.  The Constitution needs to be living document that recognizes societal change.
A statement from the Democratic National Committee states that the most important consideration should be who is best able to lead our nation, not how old is he.
The White House also released a confidential report confirming that psychologists certified the President  has the maturity of a 72 year old man and a 35 year old woman making him eligible for the office.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Startling New Evidence of Human Evolution

Scientists are excited about the discovery of a man whose skin bonded with the fabric of a lounge chair after sitting in it for over 2 years.   

A spokesman for the Genetic Evolutionary Center said, “In the short span of 2 years we see clear proof that mankind is still genetically adapting to its surrounding environment as it struggles to survive.

The research team contends that the skin bonding with the recliner is a natural evolutionary progression as males evolve from hunter gatherers to a more sedentary lifestyle. 

Closer study revealed that the man’s legs were growing shorter and he has sprouted four additional fingers on each hand making it easier to handle the television remote control.

Scientists expect a sharp increase in evolutionary evidence and are following up on reports of a West Palm Beach woman who has multiple Credit Card Magnetic strips appearing on her wrist and forearm.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Top NCAA Teams Demand Do Over

Top schools allege upsets are unfair
Duke, Syracuse, Florida, Kansas and Notre Dame University have petitioned the NCAA to call for a do over so they can attempt to reverse upset losses in this year’s March Madness Tournament.

In a joint statement the teams contend they were unprepared for the inferior lower seeds ability to compete and state that they would have taken the games more seriously if they knew their opponents were really going to try to win.

The petition is cosigned by 2,573,626 NCAA Basketball Pool participants who feel their pool picks were really much better than the actual way the tournament has evolved and demand that history be corrected.

The White House confirmed rumors that President Obama has signed the petition and asked Attorney General Eric Holder to provide full support to the petitioners in the effort.

Hillary Clinton is reportedly in negotiations with the University of Pittsburgh in a last ditch attempt to convince them to join in the effort and salvage the President’s bracket picks.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Obama Takes Leads in Egyptian Snake Search

President Obama, reeling from criticism that he has not effectively led the effort in Libya took prompt unilateral steps today to form a coalition in the United Nations to deal with the escaped Egyptian Cobra at the Brooklyn zoo.

Unidentified White House officials were quick to praise the president’s decisive action and expect a multi-national coalition will begin the search in Brooklyn by next week.  They expect the move to reassure voters that the President is able to effectively lead the nation through the many unique challenges it now faces. 

In a prepared statement the President said, “Snakes have been recorded as a threat as far back as the Garden of Eden.  The American people expect their leaders to protect them and my plan will effectively eliminate this threat. 

The President went on to say that Garden of Eden was believed by many to be in an area now occupied by Iraq and that the previous administration took no steps to deal with this potential problem.

The Arab League and CAIR reacted sharply to the news and condemned the plan citing it as another example of American oppression.  They pointed out that the snake was in the United States legally and is entitled to the same freedoms as other domestic animals.

Upon hearing the opposition, President Obama called for a pause in action and put Vice President Biden in charge of the effort. 

The Vice President announced that he would  embark tomorrow on a 15 day expedition to the Amazon  and the Southwest to study the habits of snakes and would soon release a comprehensive plan to recapture to serpent.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Undocumented Aliens Invade DC

Alien attorneys discuss suit

An alien spacecraft landed on the mall in Washington DC early this morning setting off alarms and elevating the Military readiness level to Defcon 4.

At 11:08 AM, three creatures emerged from the craft as terrified onlookers ran from the scene.  The creatures were carrying a case and quickly left in a cab headed towards Pennsylvania Avenue.  Police and military attempted to pursue but were unable to keep up with the taxi as it sped towards Georgetown.

At 2:18 PM the creatures returned and immediately called a press conference before boarding their spacecraft.   The aliens are able to communicate using any earth language but settled on Spanish because they assumed it was the national language.  Apparently, they had been to California last week but no one noticed anything unusual as they travelled the state. 

The Aliens announced that today they served legal papers on several Georgetown area residents attempting to register stars and that more suits would follow.

The Aliens distributed copies of a document and announced that they represented the Galactic Matter Development Board in a claim against 28,000 earthlings who are attempting to change the names of previously claimed stars through

As word spread, masses of local trial lawyers began to assemble in the area hoping to represent the earthlings named in the suit.

The Aliens contend that 92% of the stars have already been claimed by citizens of Galdorp 7 and that any further activity would result in 8th Degree intergalactic lawsuits that are decided in a physical battle to the death between opposing lawyers.  On their world these lawsuits are shown on highly rated Holographic Video broadcasts. 

They report that in addition to providing entertaining violent programming it significantly limits the number of frivolous lawsuits.

As the Alien spoke, the assembled trial lawyers began to quietly leave the area and declined to comment.

Shortly after the craft rose and disappeared on the horizon, the Senate took up debate to determine if the aliens were entitled to citizenship and all benefits.   The San Francisco Board of Supervisors approved a vote declaring it was an official Sanctuary City for any intergalactic aliens who choose to settle there.

A spokesman for said they intended to aggressively contest the charges.  There was no confirmation to reports that they are unable to find a lawyer willing to represent them.  At last report they are working with World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) to find a representative to handle the suit.

Monday, March 7, 2011

New Plans Unveiled to Eliminate All Greenhouse Gasses

New Solution to Climate Change
Climatologists released a major report endorsing a plan they believe will eliminate greenhouse gasses and end the global warming threat once and for all. 

Irving M. Dents, PhD announced that the solution is so simple that it was overlooked all these years.  The plan calls for the immediate destruction of all greenhouses throughout the world.  Doctor Dents is confident his plan will virtually eliminate the gasses emanating from the greenhouses ending the global threat.  He predicts that temperatures will immediately drop and climates will stabilize at normal levels.

The proposal was met with skepticism by another group of scientists who fear the plan will result in catastrophic damages throughout the world.  Their report warns of dire consequences if greenhouses are destroyed and release all their gas into the atmosphere.  The group agrees the greenhouses are at the heart of the solution but they insist we need thousands of additional larger greenhouses to contain the gasses preventing them from leaking into the atmosphere.

Politicians are divided along party lines with Democrats supporting the destruction of greenhouses and adding that the effort will create thousands of new greenhouse demolition jobs.

Republicans feel additional greenhouses will not only solve the environmental challenge but will also stimulate the economy and create thousands of new greenhouse construction jobs.

The Administration is considering the proposals and may move forward with both rather than risk picking the wrong solution. Regardless of the final decision they plan to propose a new Green Jobs Investment Tax on the building or destruction of any greenhouses.  

Officials are discussing whether the new greenhouses should be constructed on the sites of the newly destroyed ones or whether they should be built in new locations.  Analysts expect them to decide on new locations so that the destruction and construction can begin simultaneously.  The $427 Billion effort will begin using stimulus funds. 

The Congressional Budget Office estimates the effort will eliminate the current deficit by reducting future medical costs as a result of the improved climate.  The Senate Finance Committee is already planning how to use the projected savings to fund additional new projects.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

FBI Restructures as White Collar Crime Drops

Criminals favor business casual dress

The impact of the recent budget cuts is already impacting the FBI.  Agency officials are studying how to react to the sharp decrease in White Collar Crimes.  Congressional pressure to reduce costs and streamline operations is driving plans to significantly reorganize the operation.

An FBI spokesman said the drop in white collar crime can be tied to the sharp increase in business casual dress codes throughout the business community. 

He went on to say that at the same time, Business Casual Crime has sharply increased.   This has complicated the investigation process because agents can no longer focus only on those in white shirts.  The new criminal could conceivably be wearing any kind of casual clothing to blend in with the crowd. 

The Bureau is funding a $705 million study to determine clothing trends of the new business world criminals.  They plan to update training and investigative techniques to refocus their efforts on the most likely offenders.

The spokesman said, "No longer will our agents be forced to work in the dark.  Now they will have the intelligence they need to dismantle the growing business casual criminal networks that have infiltrated the business world.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Gumby Announces Comeback

Old Gumby
New Gumby
Former star Gumby  has seen his career hit bottom recently as children have moved to more digital entertainment options.  A spokesman announced yesterday that Gumby is working with a new publicist in hopes of a reinvigorated career.   

After reviewing focus group feedback Gumby realized he needed to drastically update his image if he hoped to return to popularity. 

At the end of the press conference, Gumby made surprise appearance to reveal the shocking transformation to his new updated image.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Congress Passes new Bipartisan Abortion Bill

Teens fear the worst
 Pro-choice and Pro-life Activists found common ground and joined forces in calling for a significant change to abortion laws.

The bipartisan bill gained widespread support from the left and right.  The Bill calls for approval of post-term abortions that are expected to reduce teenage crime, drug use and unwed births.  School officials expect standard testing scores to sharply rise as well.

The new law gives parents a meaningful option with real leverage in dealing with unruly teenagers.  Under the proposal, if both parents or a majority of neighbors agree, children between ages 13 and 19 can be euthanized in a new Post-Term Abortion procedure.

In a recent Quinnipiac Poll, 84% of parents support the measure.  13% would like the age range expanded to include ages two through 29 and 3% are teenagers themselves.

Most teenagers were reluctant to comment and fear their statements could be used against them at a Post-term Abortion Hearing.   Last week, 14 year old Adam Lucifer said he could care less and that he loves driving his parents crazy by ignoring them and constantly getting into trouble.

When reporters contacted his parents yesterday they said Adam was no longer living with them and that it was not likely he would ever be available for a follow-up statement.

State and local governments are already anticipating savings from smaller class sizes and less disruption at school.  Retailers expect sharp increases in profits as a result of a drop in shoplifting and vandalism. 

Frustrated parents shared heartbreaking stories about their children.  One pro-life member said, " I never imagined how my sweet little baby could become such a royal pain in the ass.  Now I can let him know what will happen if he doesn't change….real soon."

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Hugo Chavez Joins Renewable Energy Effort

Chavez explains plan to Sean Penn
Hugo Chavez announced plans to leverage the Saudi Arabian Dinosaur Cloning Project highlighted in the 2/14/2011 edition of Doubtful Competency to ensure the future of Venezuela. 

The Venezuelan leader launched a plan that will create 1000 Hugo Chavez clones able to lead the Venezuelan people well into the future. 

He simultaneously declared that the leader of the country will no longer be called the President.  Instead, the leader will be known as the “Hugo Chavez”.  As a result of the change and the endless supply of future Hugo Chavez’s he called off any elections for the next 125,642 years.

Sean Penn released a statement praising the plan and said he is pleased that the Venezuelan people are now assured of a stable future free of the distractions in the American political system.   Penn refused to comment on reports that he recently sent DNA samples to Chavez but he confirmed he will be starring in 427 film projects this year.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Saudi Arabia Launches Renewable Energy Project

Saudi Renewable energy sources
The Saudi Royal Family announced groundbreaking steps to counter claims in recent WikiLeaks documents that report the Saudi Oil reserves are overestimated by 40%. 

Saudi Officials announced an aggressive new program aimed at redefining Fossil Fuels as a renewable energy source.

Saudi Arabia is assembling the largest group of geneticist in a $795 Billion effort to clone hundreds of thousands of dinosaurs that will eventually replenish the vast Saudi Oil Fields. 

A spokesman reported that major advances in cloning make it possible to ensure that Arab States retain their stranglehold on world energy for the next 200 million years. 

The stock market reception was mixed.  While analysts are excited about the wider application of cloning, concern about potential oversupplies of oil in 2 or 3 million years caused energy futures to plunge.