Friday, March 22, 2013

Sports Illustrated Announces Major Swimsuit Changes

The SI Swimsuit Edition has grown more risqué over the years.  Recent editions include models clad only in body paint representations of bathing suits.  SI announced sales have sharply spiked as swimsuits have become sheerer and announced today that next year’s edition will not include any clothes.

The 2014 Swimsuit models will wear nothing.  A spokesperson said it's the next logical step and predicted that sales will spike sharply upward.

When asked if this just turns SI into an imitation of Playboy the spokesperson said, "No, we will continue to shoot in locations with sand and water and we feel the readers will enjoy the new approach.  They also pointed out that readers buy the magazines for the articles and the SI articles will be better than Playboy's.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

California Rescued From Financial Bankruptcy

New LA Laker Dance Team Debut
Reeling from a string of Municipal Bankruptcies, California Governor Jerry Brown took steps to resolve the States troubled finances. 

Brown confirmed that the Chinese government has bailed out California ending the fiscal challenge he inherited as Governor. 
Under the terms, California is now a province of China and is no longer a part of the United States. 
Talks are underway for a massive wall that will separate California from the remaining states.  In addition to providing border security for California it is expected to create 1.2 million new jobs.

Flag manufacturers expect a significant jump in sales of the new 49 State Flag but are delaying production plans while waiting to see if other states approach the Chinese Government.
President Obama applauded the move as a major step in reconnecting the United with the global community.

The Chinese officials were excited about the move and said they have big plans for the state.  In addition to a new Los Angeles Laker Dance Team they announced plans for a 40 foot fence and missile sites on the Mexican border to discourage illegal immigration.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Continuing Impact of Sanctions at Penn State

The Penn State Nittany Lions took the field on Saturday and broke a long standing tradition by having the player names on the back of the jerseys.

Head coach recently announced that a long time Nittany Lion tradition ends when players’ names appear on uniforms this year.  Broadcasters have often been challenged during play by play when relying only on numbers in the past welcomed the change.

 While many fans opposed the change they agreed it would now be easier to follow their favorite players. 

Unfortunately, with the transfer of most top players fans and sportscasters still don’t know who anyone is even with the names on the uniforms.

Penn State officials are considering other steps to resolve the problem including player photos on the sides of helmets and links to player Facebook Pages embedded  in the Game Programs.

Friday, September 7, 2012

Penn State Sells Joe Paterno Statue

Proposed Frazier Statue
When Penn State officials heard about the initiative to erect a statue honoring Joe Frazier in Philadelphia, they saw an opportunity to further distance themselves from the Sandusky sex scandal.

Penn State will sell the statue to and apply the proceeds to the NCAA Penalties. 

In a press release they announced  “We feel this is an ideal way to salvage the statue and repurpose it in an honorable way.” 

Under the plan, Paterno’s head will be removed and replaced with a likeness of Frazier. 

Representatives of the Frazier Statue Committee said they were excited about the offer and felt it will enable them to move up the unveiling and complete the project at a significantly reduced cost. 
The statue could be unveiled as soon as three months after they decide whether to use a hatless head or a head with a wide brimmed hat.
There was no mention of what would happen with Joe Paterno's head.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Obama Quietly Ends Gulf Trip

President Obama trip ends in disapointment
President Obama cancelled two fundraisers and delayed his arrival at the Democratic National Convention when his advisors suggested he make a Gulf trip on the Louisiana coast.

Jay Carney told the press that the president said a trip like this must always take precedence over fundraising and convention activities. 
Carney emphasized that concerns for the plight of the impacted Americans trumped politics and fund raising and hope this would end the focus on the presidents fundraising activities.

Upon arrival, the President's entourage quickly disembarked Air Force One and headed toward New Orleans.

When the caravan arrived at the site of the recent Hurricane destruction the President asked whether the Golf Course has sustained damage that would alter his approach to the game.

He grew visibly angry when aides told him there would be no golfing during the trip.

When informed the trip was intended to show his concern for Americans hit hard by the Hurricane he said, "Oh, I thought you said GOLF Trip, Not Gulf Trip.

The President quickly left New Orleans as aides tried furiously to reschedule the fundraisers.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Phillies Address Polanco Health Concerns

A swing away from another injury?
Continuing concerns about Placido Polanco's health spurred Ruben Amaro to act.  Polanco went 2 for 4 as he returned to the starting lineup last night.  While Charlie Manuel was glad to have Polanco back, the Phillies have concerns for the health of their aging third basemen. 

Doubtful Competency investigators have learned that Ruben Amaro officially requested a personalized change to the Disabled List Rules.  Amaro hopes to gain approval to put Polanco on a 15 Inning Disabled List instead of a 15 Day list when….I mean if he is reinjured over the rest of the year.

Under the proposal Polanco could be disabled for 15 innings allowing the Phillies to recall another player during his recovery.  If his condition improves before the end of an extra inning  game he could reenter the game at the same position he was in when injured.

Friday, August 3, 2012

Latest Trade in Phillies Rebuilding Process

Fans react to news they've been traded
The Phillies entered the second phase of the team breakup as Ruben Amaro  agreed to swap 14 Seating Sections in Citizens Bank Park for 28 Sections of Kansas City's Royal Stadium.

Amaro said the club is sending twice as many sections since Kansas City attendance is about 50% of the Philles attendance.

He feels the move will help the club weather the rebuilding process by replacing some long time fans accustomed to winning with less demanding fans who have no memory of the recent string of championships.

Amaro said, "We want to make sure our new and young players have the opportunity to learn and grow in a friendly ballpark atmosphere without the pressure of winning now.  Our scouts feel the new fans will keep a lower profile and just enjoy the night at the park.

The front office is contacting the affected fans and they are expected to report to Royal Stadium by  Monday.  When asked how he could guarantee the fans will report he referred to some small print in the season ticket agreements that gives the club unlimited options to change fans seats.  While acknowledging that they had never before moved them to other ballparks he felt comfortable that the move is legal and will be approved by Major League Baseball.

Amaro also indicated there could be more fan moves if the remaining ticket holders demonstrate any negative reactions during games.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Texas Town Announces anti-Obesity Plan

Link to original story:
The small town of McAllen Texas was stunned to learn they top the list of cities with obese residents. According to a Gallup survey 38% of residents are classified as obese.

City planners shocked at town obesity rate

City officials reacted quickly to combat citizen obesity and announced a major initiative to sharply reduce the percentage.   They announced a contract with a major headhunter firm to recruit fit people who will be offered free housing for 24 months in an effort to reduce the percent of obese residents.

The focus will be on locating fit families to achieve the quickest results but individuals who meet the criteria will also be considered.

The Mayor expresses his optimism that the town would soon fall in line with the national average.

He went on to deny accusations that they were also secretly relocating obese residents in surrounding towns in an attempt to expedite the results.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Ruiz Kidnapping Puts Phillies Season in Jeopardy

Kidnappers eagerly await minor leaguers & bobbleheads
Phillies officials confirmed on Wednesday that Carlos Ruiz was kidnapped during a trip to visit family members in Panama.  The Identity of the kidnappers is unknown but within hours Ruben Amaro Jr. he brought the incident to a successful conclusion. 

The incident bore an eerie resemblance to the recent kidnapping of the Nationals Wilson Ramos but it was successfully resolved without military action.

Amaro responded to the kidnapper’s initial demand of $10 Million with a counter offer that formed the basis of an agreement.  Unconfirmed reports indicate Scott Boras represented the kidnappers.

 Ruiz was released after Amaro offered 2 minor leaguers, $250, a one year supply of Dollar Dogs and Charley Manual Bubbleheads for each Kidnapper.

When questioned, Amaro said he was pleased with the final details and said this will not count as an option for either minor leaguer.  He said this was a win-win solution for all.  The Phillies are high on the potential of both of the traded minor leaguers but they are considered soft and unconditioned.  Amaro said a stint living in the mountains with the kidnappers was just what they needed to reach their full potential as players.

Neither of the minor league players were not identified pending notification of their relatives and they were available for comment.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Hilary Discovers New Family Tree Branch

Hilary Clinton did not expect any surprises when she agreed to appear on the NBC Show, “Who Do You Think You Are”.  She soon found out that like most families there are secrets waiting to be uncovered.
Genealogical researchers discovered that she is actually the great granddaughter of Popeye the Sailor.
Hillary was reportedly shocked by the news but commented that it could explain her long time passion for spinach. 
Striking Family Resemblance
 An evaluation of family photos further supported the findings and showed a shocking resemblance between Mrs. Hilary and Popeye.

Hillary was not available for comment but her spokesperson said, “She am what she am.”

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Obama Announces New Capital Loss Tax Plan

Obama announces bold new plan
President Obama unveiled a dramatic plan to ensure the tax system is fairer during the State of the Union Address .  He proposed strong steps to eliminate capital losses,  a major tax loophole currently enjoyed by the wealthiest of Americans.

Not only do the wealthy avoid tax on their losses but they are able to deduct them from their gains.  The President’s plan will eliminate this double dip benefit unavailable to working Americans.
Under the plan investors will pay a 35% surcharge on investment losses.  The announcement was met with strong approval of the Occupy Movement, Union Leaders and Social Activists.
A spokesman for Occupy America said, “The Privileged class will now have to pay a significantly higher portion of the Federal Budget enabling us to expand social programs and level the playing field for the 99%.
The President said, “We need to make sure all have a fair shot at the American Dream and by significantly reducing the wealth held among a small group we will finally move closer to that dream.”
The Administration also expects the move to significantly increase revenues and reduce the debt.
The President dismissed complaints from the Right that the plan will discourage investors and negatively impact employment and the US economy.  Democratic spokesman pointed out that the more the Stock Market drops the greater the tax revenues under this ingenious plan.
He went on to say that he hopes to eliminate wealth during his second term and put everyone on the same level.  He expressed hope that America will soon see a day when all Americans share in the absence of prosperity and wealth.
Harry Reid was confident that most investors will lose virtually all their wealth as the market drops generating massive new tax revenues.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Lesbians Booted From San Francisco Museum

Unnaceptable museum behavior
Link to story -

The gay community was shocked to learn that a very liberal San Francisco art museum removed a lesbian couple viewing an exposition of a well know gay artist.

Local activists took quick action to boycott the museum and demanded that the San Francisco Board of Supervisors intervene. 
The plans were cancelled, when a museum spokeswoman explained that the couple was not complying with rules governing gay visitors and was welcome to return if they modified their behavior. 
Apparently, the museum recently implemented a policy requiring that all lesbian couples engage in continuous tongue kissing while viewing gay artist exhibitions.  The offending couple was only holding hands when they were removed. 

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Unpublished John Lennon Imagine Lyrics Discovered

Lennon preferred Reagan over Carter
The Toronto Sun reported that John Lennon was a closet Republican at the end  of his life who was somewhat embarrassed at his naiveté in his younger days.  The news surfaced in a new documentary about Lennon and reveals that he would have voted for Ronald Reagan over Jimmy Carter.

While not verified it is rumored that before his death Lennon rewrote his famous song Imagine to reflect his maturing view of the world. 
Yoko Ono was meeting with her accountant to explore new Tax Shelters and was unavailable for comment. A spokesperson said Ono still strongly supports wealth redistribution to aid the disadvantaged  as long as it does not affect her.
Doubtful Competency has secured a document alleged to be penned by Lennon shortly before his death.
Imagine (Revised 1980)
Imagine there are no liberals
It’s easy if you try
Someday I hope they realize
It’s all just pie in the sky
Imagine all the people
Responsible for themselves

Imagine there’s no welfare
None for businesses too
No one we have to pay to
Do what they already do
Imagine all the people
Responsible for themselves

You may say I’m a demon
But I’m not the only one
We’re all just really tired of
Taking care of everyone.

Imagine your possessions
Your house, your boat, your car
Are not despised by someone
Who dislikes how rich you are
Imagine all the people
Keeping what they have

You may say that I’m a demon
But I’m not the only one
We’re all just really tired of
Taking care of everyone.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Netanyahu Reconsiders Return to 1967 Borders

Benjamin Netanyahu has reconsidered President Obama’s request to pull back to 1967 borders in order to create a Palestinian State in the Mid-East. 
Netanyahu’s new proposal also creates a new Latino Homeland in the Southwestern United States.  Israeli officials feel the double move will solve both the Palestinian issue and the undocumented immigrant problem in the US.

Proposed Latino Homeland

Under the plan the United States would pull back to pre-1845 borders and create the United Latino States on land now occupied by Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, California and other States in the region.
The Israeli Prime Minister said the move is necessary to provide a homeland to the displaced Latinos now seeking admittance to the United States. 
White House Officials are studying the proposal.
 In a related action, Russia officially reclaimed Alaska since it was under Russian control in 1845.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Pittsburgh Pirates Sold; New Owner Moves Team

New Team Logo Unveiled
A spokesman for Major League Baseball confirmed reports that the Pittsburgh Pirates have been sold and the new owner plans to move the team to Somalia.  While  team on-field performance has improved, attendance remains at all time lows.  

Reeling from dropping attendance and minimal sales of team memorabilia the new owner sees the move as a win-win for fans and the club.
He went on to say, “The team is a non-entity in the area and can’t get any press coverage to stimulate their fan base.  Now, every time the news cycle reports on the pirates in Somalia we will be on people’s minds. 
Ticket Sales Team Escorts
New Fans to a Game

We are also excited by the prospect that every day can now be fireworks day and we feel that will attract families to the park.”
The 37 current Pirates season ticket holders will have first shot at seats in the new park.  The new Somalia Ballpark super boxes will include upgraded security and bullet proof glass. 

Team officials are excited about the special promotion days and plan to fire the opening day baseball to home plate from a SAM missile launcher.

The team expects a sharp increase in attendance and has already contracted with local leaders to divert passing ships to the games.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Harry Reid Caught in Lip Synching Controversy

Reid perfecting delivery

Under significant pressure to represent the Democratic Party in Congress following the Republican takeover in the House, Harry Reid took steps to improve his ability to speak with a clear, compelling voice.
Sources have learned that Reid underwent secret vocal training in an attempt to overcome his normally wimpish speech patterns.  After 8 weeks of intensive therapy the plan was abandoned and his advisors decided to hire a vocal stand in who will record all of Reid’s comments.  Plans call for Reid to deliver all future speeches by lip synching to the prerecorded tapes. 
Reid’s handlers are confident the change will work and are now considering options to give his face a more lifelike friendly look.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Paul Giamatti cast as Napolitano in Lifetime Bio Pic

Janet Napolitano...I think
Lifetime Network producers announced the signing of Paul Giamatti to portray Janet Napolitano in a Biopic  planned for release next year. 
At a press conference announcing the signing studio executives said they were thrilled with the move and expected to save considerably on special effects makeup considering the uncanny resemblance the actor bears with the Homeland Security Director.
The studio came up with the idea after someone observed Giamatti being waved through the Orange County Airport Security line while screeners referred to him as “Director Napolitano”.  

Paul Giamatti...I think

 The actor unsuccessfuly tried to convince them he was not Napolitano.  TSA Screeners refused to believe him and thought it was a segment of “Undercover Boss”,  the CBS Series featuring Company CEO’s who go undercover to assess how their business operates.

The actor was able to make his flight only after he agreed to be the homeland security director and he was allowed to pass through without a pat down check.

Napolitano does not support the move and is concerned that Giamatti may  be too feminine fo the role.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Easter in Jeopardy as Area Church Service Grinds to a Halt

O'Malley confession continues
The regular church service schedule at Our Lady of the Sepulcher was discontinued forcing parishioners to attend Mass at other neighboring Churches.

The parish recently completed a major spiritual renewal outreach to encourage wayward non practicing parishioners to return to active membership.

One returning parishioner, Martin O’Malley, was particularly inspired and attended the Saturday afternoon penance service on January 8th.  He began confessing his sins accumulated over the 42 years since his last confession.  Mr. O’Malley remained in the confessional for the past 12 weeks and officials are reluctant to conduct mass while the confession continues.

Church officials are not sure how much longer the confession will last but there are unconfirmed rumors that Mr. O’Malley is now up to sins committed in 1998.

While parishioners are pleased about his return to the Church they are anxiously hoping the confession is completed in time for Easter Services at the parish.  There are concerns that even when the confession ends that the services will remain suspended while Mr. O’Malley recites his penance.

Diocesan officials worry that the service suspension will result is a sharp rise in ongoing confessions by parishioners who had negative thoughts about Mr. O’Malley and are considering a fund drive to add confessionals to the church.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

President Budget Reduces Deficit by $1 Trillion

A review of leaked copies of the President’s speech indicate he will propose a major change to how Federal Employees are reimbursed over a five year period in a drastic effort to eliminate the federal deficit and make significant inroads into the current Federal Debt.
President Obama's plan calls for a complete elimination of all Federal Salaries for the next five years.  Federal employees will be assigned to the nation’s wealthiest citizens who will cover their living expenses for the next five years.
The White House expects to gain bipartisan support for the measure since it avoids increasing tax rates on the wealthy and significantly reduces federal spending.
Details of the plan are unclear but it is expected that the wealthy will be entitled to exemptions for the Federal Employees they support during the program.   The plan reduces the federal budget by $259 Billion per year and saves $1.3 Trillion over five years.
 Even with the elimination of all federal salary costs the FY 12 deficit is $1.386 Trillion and there is speculation of additional drastic steps in the President’s plan.
Unconfirmed Pentagon rumors include a 24 month stand down of the military that would eliminate all military spending and furlough all service personnel for two years.  Funding for Veterans as well as Foreign Military and Economic aid would continue.
If implemented this would eliminate another $1.536 Trillion over two years.  After elimination of the Military the FY 12 budget deficit drops to a mere $618 Billion.
Defense officials feel it would take foreign nations at least 30 months to effectively mount a military action against the United States and that they could easily respond to any gathering threat in the six months after the stand down.
Reaction to the plan from federal employees is mixed.  Most want to know who they will be assigned to before making a decision.
 Budget Recap (In Billions) 

Initial Spending Plan
Initial Deficit
Federal Salary Elimination
Military Defense Elimination
Revised FY12 Deficit


Even with these satirical...and impossible... budget reductions we have a significant problem caused by reckless practices of both parties that now needs to be addressed...There are no simple sound bite solutions and partisan attacks don't advance a solution.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Trump Uncovers New Obama Birth Controversy

Trump exposes birth controversy
Researchers commisioned by Donald Trump made a stunning discovery when they located Barrack Obama’s actual birth certificate in Hawaii.  The document conclusively proves the President was born there but raises a shocking new development.
Apparently, previous attempts to locate the document were thwarted by an inaccurate birth date.  Obama was actually born on August 4, 1976 making him only 32 when he was elected president.  The minimum age requirement to run for president is 35 and his presidency is now in jeopardy.
In a prepared statement the President said he just got caught up in the enthusiasm and did not want to disappoint his supporters when they encouraged him to run. He prayed over the matter and came to the conclusion that he was the best person for the job even if he was not technically eligible.
The White House refused to comment when asked which God Obama had prayed to.
Supporters of the president state the issue is a canard and that surely the framers understood that in the future a young candidate who was mature beyond his years would emerge as the best choice to lead the nation.  The Constitution needs to be living document that recognizes societal change.
A statement from the Democratic National Committee states that the most important consideration should be who is best able to lead our nation, not how old is he.
The White House also released a confidential report confirming that psychologists certified the President  has the maturity of a 72 year old man and a 35 year old woman making him eligible for the office.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Startling New Evidence of Human Evolution

Scientists are excited about the discovery of a man whose skin bonded with the fabric of a lounge chair after sitting in it for over 2 years.   

A spokesman for the Genetic Evolutionary Center said, “In the short span of 2 years we see clear proof that mankind is still genetically adapting to its surrounding environment as it struggles to survive.

The research team contends that the skin bonding with the recliner is a natural evolutionary progression as males evolve from hunter gatherers to a more sedentary lifestyle. 

Closer study revealed that the man’s legs were growing shorter and he has sprouted four additional fingers on each hand making it easier to handle the television remote control.

Scientists expect a sharp increase in evolutionary evidence and are following up on reports of a West Palm Beach woman who has multiple Credit Card Magnetic strips appearing on her wrist and forearm.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Top NCAA Teams Demand Do Over

Top schools allege upsets are unfair
Duke, Syracuse, Florida, Kansas and Notre Dame University have petitioned the NCAA to call for a do over so they can attempt to reverse upset losses in this year’s March Madness Tournament.

In a joint statement the teams contend they were unprepared for the inferior lower seeds ability to compete and state that they would have taken the games more seriously if they knew their opponents were really going to try to win.

The petition is cosigned by 2,573,626 NCAA Basketball Pool participants who feel their pool picks were really much better than the actual way the tournament has evolved and demand that history be corrected.

The White House confirmed rumors that President Obama has signed the petition and asked Attorney General Eric Holder to provide full support to the petitioners in the effort.

Hillary Clinton is reportedly in negotiations with the University of Pittsburgh in a last ditch attempt to convince them to join in the effort and salvage the President’s bracket picks.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Obama Takes Leads in Egyptian Snake Search

President Obama, reeling from criticism that he has not effectively led the effort in Libya took prompt unilateral steps today to form a coalition in the United Nations to deal with the escaped Egyptian Cobra at the Brooklyn zoo.

Unidentified White House officials were quick to praise the president’s decisive action and expect a multi-national coalition will begin the search in Brooklyn by next week.  They expect the move to reassure voters that the President is able to effectively lead the nation through the many unique challenges it now faces. 

In a prepared statement the President said, “Snakes have been recorded as a threat as far back as the Garden of Eden.  The American people expect their leaders to protect them and my plan will effectively eliminate this threat. 

The President went on to say that Garden of Eden was believed by many to be in an area now occupied by Iraq and that the previous administration took no steps to deal with this potential problem.

The Arab League and CAIR reacted sharply to the news and condemned the plan citing it as another example of American oppression.  They pointed out that the snake was in the United States legally and is entitled to the same freedoms as other domestic animals.

Upon hearing the opposition, President Obama called for a pause in action and put Vice President Biden in charge of the effort. 

The Vice President announced that he would  embark tomorrow on a 15 day expedition to the Amazon  and the Southwest to study the habits of snakes and would soon release a comprehensive plan to recapture to serpent.