Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Legislatures and TSA React to Candy Cane Controversy

Seized Weapons Cache
The impact of the Battlefield High School Christmas Sweater Terrorists continues to grow.  Federal, State and Local Officials are scrambling to react to the newly discovered threat.

TSA officials have added candy canes, popsicles on a stick and certain lollipops to the list of banned items on flights.  Several states are also about to enact legislation controlling the sale of the candy canes and other dangerous items under existing gun laws. 

Washington DC has already declared that it is illegal to carry an unregistered Candy Cane or Lollipop within the city limits and if convicted violators risk a mandatory 5 year sentence.  New Candy Cane Free School Zones have also been created in several states.

DEA officials raided Wal-Mart, Target and several other retailers and confiscated large supplies of potentially dangerous candy canes while local police are publicizing "Candy Cane Amnesty" programs.  Citizens will not face criminal charges if they turn in all their candy canes and lollipops voluntarily at local police drop off sites.

Officials are considering how to respond to the announcement that some retailers plan to hold Candy Shows simultaneously with Gun Shows in the coming year.  They fear individuals will be able to purchase candy canes and bypass the new wait periods. 

Candy manufacturers are not expected to be hurt by the campaigns as they report unexplained sharp increases in sales of candy canes in Afghanistan and Pakistan.  North Korea reports that they already have the capability of producing large amounts of Candy Canes and Lollipops and Iran is believed to be close to the acquisition of candy cane technology. 

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said it is the right of the Iranian people to possess candy canes and lollipops but that they would only for used peaceful purposes.  The United States is petitioning the UN Security Council to send in a Candy Cane inspection team to determine how close the Iranian program is to production.

The administration is planning to host Candy Reduction Agreement Program talks with Russia to prevent a new arms race before it can begin. 

In a related event, Michelle Obama announced the release of new String Bean, Asparagus and Broccoli Spears that are genetically engineered to have red and white stripes filling  the void left by the outlawed candy canes. 

They will be included in all school lunch programs and analysts expect them to be big sellers as decorations for next years Christmas Trees.


Read the actual story here….


Monday, December 27, 2010

Wiley Coyote: A Tale of Loss & Redemption

Once revered as an example of uncompromising dedication to a goal, Wiley Coyote finally succeeded only to discover that what he thought he wanted was not so great after all.  

We can all learn from his journey to personal discovery.  Learn about his fall and subsequent rise from the depths of depression to lead the way to salvation for others….

Watch his inspiring story...
video

Sunday, December 26, 2010

High School Terrorist Christmas Sweater Club Exposed


Suspected terrorist Uniform

 Battlefield High School Officials report they have exposed and eliminated a serious threat.  The plot involved a right wing student group known to wear Christmas themed sweaters.  The group distributed hundreds of potential weapons at the school in what officials theorize was an attempt to create inconspicuous weapons caches that could be used in terrorist acts. 

 The activists were seen indiscriminately tossing small candy canes to other students that could be sharpened with the mouth and used in violent attacks on students and teachers.  The group is also known to sing propaganda songs about Christmas and made unsolicited attempts to spread good cheer in order to appear harmless.
  
One mother said an administrator called her and explained "not everyone wants Christmas cheer. He also told her that suicide rates are up over Christmas, and that they should keep their cheer to themselves, perhaps."  

School officials said this is the worst kind of dissident.  They prey on other students who may be unhappy and brainwash them with their right wing Christmas songs.  Teachers report that several openly depressed students were seen smiling and eating the candy canes.  A School counselor explained that it is very dangerous to impose unsolicited good will on unhappy students and it is especially dangerous to also provide them with potentially lethal candy. 

 An NEA spokesman said, "This is just another example of the violent atmosphere our teachers must function in and needs to be addressed by increasing teacher salaries and reducing workday hours to minimize exposure to the threatening situation.”

When a parent asked why candy canes were more dangerous than pencils,  officials said they had not thought of that but would study how to ban all hard objects in school and expected pencils could be banned by the next semester.

Developing…
 
Postscript
Every once in a while I see a story that is so bizarre I feel like I wrote it as a satirical piece.  This is one of those stories that is so unbelievable it is frightening to realize it is true.
Common Sense is thrown out the window and Political Correctness takes over in a bizarre display of unbelievable adult supervision. Even the name of the school could not be any more ironic. .Read the real story about Battlefield High School…....


Read the actual story here….

Saturday, December 25, 2010

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL


Mark Time and his Elves wish a Merry Christmas...that's right... a Very Merry Christmas to all.  Let the Christmas Signs shine bright, let the Christmas Sweater Club sing loud and may the Candy Canes Rain down on all.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Senate Preparing Sweet Dreams Citizenship Bill


Citizenship for all is here
 The Dream Act was defeated but there are already plans underway in Congress for the Sweet Dreams Act that addresses a series of challenges facing the country.

Under the plan all people born anywhere in the world as well as their parents and extended families will be US citizens. 

Proponents are excited about the bill that addresses immigration, the budget, increases American diversity, enhances military readiness and creates a world based constituency for political actions.

Harry Reid praised the bill as a triumph for both human rights and deficit reduction.  Individuals who register with the local US embassy will be eligible for the same unemployment, welfare, food stamps and educational programs as US citizens.  Payments will go directly to the individuals along with absentee ballots for US elections.

Reid said, "No longer will we risk money intended to help the poor souls in foreign countries.  This completely eliminates the waste and corruption in our existing foreign aid programs and significantly increases our cultural diversity.  Why should those who are misfortunate enough to be born somewhere else be deprived of living the American dream?"

Progressive's hailed the bill's fairness and lauded its creative approach to reducing illegal immigration.  No longer will people have to resort to sneaking across our borders.   They can stay right where they are and participant in our American process.

Under the bill, expected to be signed by President Obama, each foreign person will designate a US state of citizenship and they will be entitled to any of the programs available to other residents of that state.   Now even small states like Delaware and Rhode Island can rival the large states in population.  States will receive additional congressional seats based on the new foreign residents.

The plan will also make it easier to reduce military spending.  We can train recruits right where they live eliminating the need to airlift them to the combat areas.  This gives our military exceptional flexibility to deal with issues anywhere in the world.

There are reports that Gay Groups oppose the potential influx of foreign born Muslims into the military and are proposing that Muslims not be allowed to serve openly. 

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Raul Ibanez Traded to San Francisco

Ibanez Heads for Frisco
The Phillies have taken the first step in reducing payroll after the Cliff Lee signing.  Officials confirmed today that left fielder Raul Ibanez was traded to the Giants for 2 Beer Vendors and a Sushi concession stand.

GM Ruben Amaro said, “Now that our pitching rotation is set I wanted to address our remaining concerns for the future.  Raul has been a key member of our team but we recognized that he would be leaving after the 2011 season.  We saw an opportunity to upgrade our concession operation and cut our payroll at the same time.  The two beer vendors had the 3rd and 4th highest sales among the entire Western Division vendor staff and they will make quite a bit less than Raul would. "

Amaro expects beer sales to rise significantly as a result of this trade and feels the Phillies are now set for the next few years.  He said the vendors are veterans who will help their younger staff grow into top sellers down the road.

New addition for 2011

 While the Phillies are pleased with existing food concession providers, they also realized a need to expand food variety and provide a product that would attract a new clientele to the ballpark. Amaro is confident that the Sushi stand will do just that and this is only the first move he has planned. 

San Francisco wanted the Schmitter Concession in addition to Raul but Amaro felt the price was too steep.  The Giants finally agreed to the deal when the Phillies offered to bring California and Spicy Tuna Rolls whenever they play in San Francisco.


When contacted, Raul said he was sorry to leave Philadelphia and had nothing but praise for the organization and his teammates.  His only regret was that he would not be able to check out the new Sushi Stand. 

Monday, December 13, 2010

Christians versus Lions Rematch Slated for LA Coliseum

The NFL today announced a new event aimed at taking advantage of the seasonal anti-Christmas controversy and provide relief to 2 struggling franchises at the same time.  Concerned about the poor records of the Detroit Lions (3-10) and the Carolina Panthers (1-12) they decided to bring back a 3000 year old Roman event.  League officials have booked the LA Coliseum as the site of two NFL vs. The Christians events.
  
A spokesman said, "Clearly, the time is ripe for this idea.  Many people are up in arms about Christians again attempting to hijack the holiday season.   We feel there is a sizable market that wants to see these Christians silenced and we expect both events to be sold out.

We also feel this gives the Lions and Panthers a reasonably good chance to win.  The results will be included in their official records and this should boost the players' and fans' self-esteem quite a bit."

The plan calls for the roundup of anyone who complains about the use of the word "Holiday" in place of "Christmas" between now and December 25th.  The group will be culled to 100 participants who will attend basic football training leading up to the events planned for prime time viewing on New Year’s Day.

Officials feel the one week camp will adequately prepare the group and pointed out that the original Christians were given no formal training by the Romans.

 While it would probably not be acceptable to use real animals the NFL feels the team mascot names will bring a sense of realism to the events.  Unlike the original Roman Coliseum events these will not be to the death but the Christians will not be allowed to wear protective padding.  The networks felt the hits would be more dramatic if the Christians just wore robes. 

Officials will wear Roman Centurion outfits and the crowds will have the opportunity to rule "Thumbs Up" or "Thumbs Down" if the Christians appeal any of the calls on the field.

Las Vegas bookmakers are planning to accept over and under wagers on the number of Christians who are injured during the event.

The ACLU applauds the plan and said that In addition to the obvious entertainment value, this should make it easier to eliminate the use of the word "Christmas" in future years. 

Officials said there is no truth to the rumor that loaves and fishes will be sold at the concession stands during the contests.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Clutch Cargo signs as New Tax Masters Spokesman


New Tax Masters Spokesman


After receiving numerous viewer complaints about the current company spokesman's monotone delivery and total  lack of expression,  Tax Masters announced they have signed Clutch Cargo as their new celebrity front man. 




Customer feedback was clear that we needed a more dynamic, lively speaker to send our message. We feel Clutch is a significant upgrade who customers will agree is much more animated and  connects better with people. 


Ousted Spokesman

They also announced that the current spokesman will  take a new role as a cardboard photo for customers  wishing to have their picture taken with him.  We feel this is a better fit for his talents and we feel he will excel at standing still and barely moving his mouth.





Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Napolitano See Something, Say Something Nets Results at Wal-Mart

Suspects nabbed at Wal-Mart

 Janet Napolitano  recently announced the expansion of the Department’s national “If You See Something, Say Something” campaign to hundreds of Wal-Mart stores across the country—launching a new partnership between DHS and Wal-Mart to help the American public play an active role in ensuring the safety and security of our nation.  

The response was far beyond expectations as Homeland Security phone lines were overwhelmed with over 125,000 reports of strange and suspicious shoppers in Wal-Mart's across the country.   Raids netted tens of thousands of suspicious people dressed in bizarre clothing.  While none of the suspects is alleged to have explosives, officials fear it is a major dry run by terrorists planning to use Wal-Mart Shoppers in the next wave of attacks.

Wal-Mart officials did not comment on reports that approximately 28% of their customer base was arrested in the raids.

Homeland security officials are excited about the raids and feel they have dealt a significant setback to AL Qaeda.

Plans are underway to add scanners to all Wal-Mart stores.  The program will not result in any increase of federal employees as Wal-Mart Greeters will be trained in scanning and pat down techniques.

Link to original article: http://drudgereport.com/flash2n.htm

Friday, December 3, 2010

Religion Drives Productive UN Climate Conference


Bearly surviving while UN meets
Christiana Figueres, executive secretary of the U.N. Framework Convention on Climate Change, invoked the ancient jaguar goddess Ixchel in her opening statement to delegates gathered in Cancun, Mexico, noting that Ixchel was not only goddess of the moon, but also "the goddess of reason, creativity and weaving. May she inspire you -- because today, you are gathered in Cancun to weave together the elements of a solid response to climate change, using both reason and creativity as your tools."

After offering praise to the moon god, the conference moved on to the business at hand. There was a motion questioning the appropriateness of invoking the moon god Ixtel instead of Arma, the Hittite moon god.  The debate carried on through the morning session but by noon the members resolved the issue.

They unanimously agreed to reopen the conference after lunch and invoke the aid of both moon gods.  A committee was also formed to investigate whether any other moon gods might be offended and need to be added to the ceremony.

After the post lunch moon god ceremony discussion turned to what other gods might have a role in solving the global warming emergency.  There were strained discussions about including Re, the sun god,  in the next day’s opening remarks in hopes that he will consider lowering the solar temperatures until mankind takes the hard steps needed to combat warming.

The discussions carried through the remainder of the day as members identified additional gods that could play a key role in their initiative.  By the end of the day they had identified a god list that sub groups would work for the remainder of the conference.  Each subgroup will report out at next year’s conference on the most effective way to engage each god and develop action plans that will be submitted to the gods at that time.

Christiana Figueres, closed the annual conference by complimenting the members for their ideas and expressing optimism that the work completed this year will lead to an even more productive conference next year.

She announced that next year’s three day conference will kick off with a 2 day ceremony in honor of the key climate related gods.  The 3rd day will be devoted to assessing the effectiveness of the first 2 days and planning for the 2013 conference.

Key UN Climate Committee gods 
Osiris: god of earth and vegetation
Arma:  Hittite moon god
Yu-huang:  Chinese god is the Jade Emperor who created the universe and is ruler of heaven and earth
Enlil:  The Babylonian god of the air between earth and sky.
Damkina:   The Babylonian earth mother goddess
Ixchel goddess of the moon,

Link to original story:

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Don't Hear; Don't See Replaces Don’t Ask; Don't Tell Policy

Troops prepare for don't hear, don't see
 Defense officials today revealed plans to ensure a smooth transition from the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy in place since the Clinton years. 

Recent surveys indicate most military personnel are not opposed to the change but military leaders are concerned about the 20% who are strongly against the move.  The new program is called Don't Hear; Don't See and will incorporate cutting edge technology.

Plans are in place to distribute high tech noise cancelling headsets that will generate white noise preventing the wearer from hearing anything when certain key words are used.   While programming is not yet complete, the phrases that trigger the white noise include:

"Did you know…"
"I want to tell you something…"
"You only say that because I am …."
"Is there anything you'd like to ask me..."
Any words that end in “ay”…

There are also tentative plans for visual blinders that will close whenever an openly gay soldier approaches the wearer.

This technology is still developing and some military leaders are concerned that enemy forces may organize Gay Brigades able to infiltrate combat areas unseen and unheard. 

Any straight soldiers who oppose the change will be discharged if they do not properly employ the new headsets and blinders. 

Officials plan a major publicity campaign using Sargent Schultz,  formerly of Hogan's Heroes,  as the spokesman using his famous catch phrase, "I see Nothiinnng "

Developing...

Pelosi Declares Unemployment Stimulates Economy

Nancy Pelosi unveiled a new plan to stimulate the economy and assist the unemployed at the same time.

The Speaker said, “We know that unemployment benefits are more likely to be spent than tax cuts for the rich.  There is no cost to the government since that money gets fed right back into the economy.  Unemployment is good for the citizens and it is good for America."

Democratic leaders are poised to enact lame duck legislation requiring employers to cut payroll by 50 percent so that more unemployment funds can be distributed with expectation that it will jump start the economy.

Reporters asked how unemployed families earning less than they did when employed could stimulate the economy.   Ms. Pelosi said she is already working on a plan that will pay unemployed workers up to 25% more than they made in their former jobs.

In a related development there are numerous reports of rich people volunteering to be laid off if the law is enacted so they can also contribute to the economy.

Developing...

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Religious Controversy Strikes Holiday Season

The world was stunned to learn that Jesus Christ has officially changed his name to Jesus Holi.  Christians around the world rejoiced at the announcement that returns religion to the “Holi”day Season.   

Retailers are scrambling to determine how to handle the change.  Employees were previously instructed to avoid using “Christmas” and told to wish customers a “Happy Holiday” 

There are now reports of widespread confusion.  Many retail employees merely lower their eyes and mumble at customers to avoid offending anyone.  Advertisers are stunned and both print and TV ads are on hold until experts sort out the legal issues.

Some retailers are merely telling customers to “Be Happy” and traditional Holiday Music is being replaced by repeat airings of Bobby McFerrin’s “Don’t Worry, Be Happy”.

Publishing houses are quickly moving to issue updated versions of the Bible incorporating the name change.  A spokesperson said, “We expect it to be a big seller during this Christmas…uh…Holiday…uh...I mean Happy Season.”

Atheists and other easily offended groups are outraged at the tactic and the ACLU plans to file a restraining order challenging the authority of Jesus to legally change his name.

An ACLU spokesman said this has never happened before and accused Jesus of being inconsiderate of the many who are now unsure if they are still offended. 

When asked why He took this action, Jesus just said, "Joy to the world"

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Obama Administration Acts to Prevent Future WikiLeaks


President Obama moved aggressively today to deal with security breaches from the Wiki Leaks threat.  Today,  he signed an executive order that eliminates the Government security classification program.  Effective immediately all government documents will be unclassified and will be published in a new weekly magazine.

The President said, "We will no longer live under the threat that our deepest intelligence and diplomatic communications will be revealed in this spectacular fashion.  Let me be clear, we are now completely in control of the release of all government communications."

Officials feel that the sheer volume of government documents will make it more difficult for anyone to extract the truly sensitive material.  In addition there are plans to offer subscriptions to the publication that will provide a new funding source for future initiatives.

For more information about subscriptions call 1-800-SEC-RETS.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Rally in DC ends in Confusion

Gobler Groups Grapple in DC 
Over 200,000 demonstrators showed up at the Capital on Wednesday  in what was billed as a "Save the Turkey Protest."  White House organizers said they planned a small light hearted rally in support of the traditional Presidential  Thanksgiving Turkey Pardon. 

Organizers were shocked when large crowds of protestors rolled in carrying signs in support of hundreds of turkeys.

 In additions to signs supporting Sarah Palin, Harry Reid and President Obama,  there were numerous signs supporting  the Washington Redskins and the Nationals baseball team.  Several signs called for the EU to bail out the Turkish economy.

Spontaneous counter demonstrations sprung up throughout the Mall with demonstrators  carrying "Cook the Goose" signs bearing many of the same names as the turkey supporters.  Observers reported intermittent  sightings of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi shouting, "We need to cook the turkey so we can see what's inside it."

When asked about the confusion,  Robert Gibbs said the President admits he needed to do a better job explaining the plan and vowed to make several prime time speeches leading up to next years  Turkey Pardon.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Scandal Rocks Thanksgiving Day Parade

Scandal Threatens Performers
  
Officials are scurrying  to recover from allegations that Sesame Street Characters performing on the steps of the Philadelphia Art Museum were actually lip synching.

While  still not conclusive, slow motion video seems to indicate that their mouths were not moving in synch with the voices.  

A spokesman for Sesame Street refused to comment but Parade Officials apologized for the incident and vowed that if true,  next year they will hire Simon Cowell to ensure that the singers perform live.

There were also allegations that the Characters were actually people dressed in costumes.  Both Sesame Street and Parade Officials  vigorously denied the accusation.

Developing…...