Thursday, December 2, 2010

Don't Hear; Don't See Replaces Don’t Ask; Don't Tell Policy

Troops prepare for don't hear, don't see
 Defense officials today revealed plans to ensure a smooth transition from the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy in place since the Clinton years. 

Recent surveys indicate most military personnel are not opposed to the change but military leaders are concerned about the 20% who are strongly against the move.  The new program is called Don't Hear; Don't See and will incorporate cutting edge technology.

Plans are in place to distribute high tech noise cancelling headsets that will generate white noise preventing the wearer from hearing anything when certain key words are used.   While programming is not yet complete, the phrases that trigger the white noise include:

"Did you know…"
"I want to tell you something…"
"You only say that because I am …."
"Is there anything you'd like to ask me..."
Any words that end in “ay”…

There are also tentative plans for visual blinders that will close whenever an openly gay soldier approaches the wearer.

This technology is still developing and some military leaders are concerned that enemy forces may organize Gay Brigades able to infiltrate combat areas unseen and unheard. 

Any straight soldiers who oppose the change will be discharged if they do not properly employ the new headsets and blinders. 

Officials plan a major publicity campaign using Sargent Schultz,  formerly of Hogan's Heroes,  as the spokesman using his famous catch phrase, "I see Nothiinnng "


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