Sunday, February 27, 2011

Gumby Announces Comeback

Old Gumby
New Gumby
Former star Gumby  has seen his career hit bottom recently as children have moved to more digital entertainment options.  A spokesman announced yesterday that Gumby is working with a new publicist in hopes of a reinvigorated career.   

After reviewing focus group feedback Gumby realized he needed to drastically update his image if he hoped to return to popularity. 

At the end of the press conference, Gumby made surprise appearance to reveal the shocking transformation to his new updated image.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Congress Passes new Bipartisan Abortion Bill

Teens fear the worst
 Pro-choice and Pro-life Activists found common ground and joined forces in calling for a significant change to abortion laws.

The bipartisan bill gained widespread support from the left and right.  The Bill calls for approval of post-term abortions that are expected to reduce teenage crime, drug use and unwed births.  School officials expect standard testing scores to sharply rise as well.

The new law gives parents a meaningful option with real leverage in dealing with unruly teenagers.  Under the proposal, if both parents or a majority of neighbors agree, children between ages 13 and 19 can be euthanized in a new Post-Term Abortion procedure.

In a recent Quinnipiac Poll, 84% of parents support the measure.  13% would like the age range expanded to include ages two through 29 and 3% are teenagers themselves.

Most teenagers were reluctant to comment and fear their statements could be used against them at a Post-term Abortion Hearing.   Last week, 14 year old Adam Lucifer said he could care less and that he loves driving his parents crazy by ignoring them and constantly getting into trouble.

When reporters contacted his parents yesterday they said Adam was no longer living with them and that it was not likely he would ever be available for a follow-up statement.

State and local governments are already anticipating savings from smaller class sizes and less disruption at school.  Retailers expect sharp increases in profits as a result of a drop in shoplifting and vandalism. 

Frustrated parents shared heartbreaking stories about their children.  One pro-life member said, " I never imagined how my sweet little baby could become such a royal pain in the ass.  Now I can let him know what will happen if he doesn't change….real soon."

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Hugo Chavez Joins Renewable Energy Effort

Chavez explains plan to Sean Penn
Hugo Chavez announced plans to leverage the Saudi Arabian Dinosaur Cloning Project highlighted in the 2/14/2011 edition of Doubtful Competency to ensure the future of Venezuela. 

The Venezuelan leader launched a plan that will create 1000 Hugo Chavez clones able to lead the Venezuelan people well into the future. 

He simultaneously declared that the leader of the country will no longer be called the President.  Instead, the leader will be known as the “Hugo Chavez”.  As a result of the change and the endless supply of future Hugo Chavez’s he called off any elections for the next 125,642 years.

Sean Penn released a statement praising the plan and said he is pleased that the Venezuelan people are now assured of a stable future free of the distractions in the American political system.   Penn refused to comment on reports that he recently sent DNA samples to Chavez but he confirmed he will be starring in 427 film projects this year.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Saudi Arabia Launches Renewable Energy Project

Saudi Renewable energy sources
The Saudi Royal Family announced groundbreaking steps to counter claims in recent WikiLeaks documents that report the Saudi Oil reserves are overestimated by 40%. 

Saudi Officials announced an aggressive new program aimed at redefining Fossil Fuels as a renewable energy source.

Saudi Arabia is assembling the largest group of geneticist in a $795 Billion effort to clone hundreds of thousands of dinosaurs that will eventually replenish the vast Saudi Oil Fields. 

A spokesman reported that major advances in cloning make it possible to ensure that Arab States retain their stranglehold on world energy for the next 200 million years. 

The stock market reception was mixed.  While analysts are excited about the wider application of cloning, concern about potential oversupplies of oil in 2 or 3 million years caused energy futures to plunge.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Phillies Announce Major Deal with Pirates

Several Phillies headed to Pittsburgh
Rumors circulating around the Phillies front office indicate there are serious concerns about the team’s offensive support this season.   

Amaro is responding to concerns from the players that the Phillies pitching rotation of Haliday, Lee, Hamels and Oswalt is so strong they will not be able to successfully practice their offensive skills if they face them this spring.

Taking drastic steps, Ruben Amaro announced that Phillies position players will not be required to attend the first 4 weeks of spring training in Clearwater.  Instead, Amaro negotiated a deal with the Pirates that allows the Phillies batters to join the Pittsburgh Pirates Bradenton Florida spring training camp for the first four weeks. 

Both Amaro and the players feel that the Pirates extremely high team ERA represents the best opportunity to for the players to work on batting skills in the early preseason.

Amaro feels confident that after working with the Pirates pitching for a few weeks the players will be ready to return to Clearwater for the remainder of the pre-season.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

GM Unveils the New Chevrolet Mascara

Link to original story:
Designed with the woman in mind

General Motors promoted Mary Barra as its new head of product development, the first woman to hold that key position at a major automaker. 

Barra immediately unveiled the new Chevrolet Mascara that targets the married couples market. 

Studies showed that the husbands spend an average of 324 hours per year waiting for their spouse in a car. 

The new Mascara was designed to reduce spousal wait time by providing additional features for women ending the last minute activities now completed at home.

The passenger side dashboard quickly converts to a make-up station with special lighting features and space for assorted lipsticks, mascara and other make-up items.  The Mascara also has power outlets for curling irons and hair styling appliances. 

GM offers an optional roll-in closet that will accommodate 5 changes of clothes reducing the need for wives to make those difficult decisions about what to wear before they leave the house.

The Make-up Station quickly converts to the driver’s side for those occasions when the woman drives the vehicle.  There is also an optional stealth feature that prevents law enforcement from observing any make-up activity.  The technology converts the windows into 2-way glass that projects the image of a driver focused intently on driving from the exterior while the driver is free to attend to any personal make up needs.

Buyers can also purchase an option that automatically returns the vehicle to the starting point up to three time to retrieve items forgotten when the spouse left the house. Analysts expect the car to be a big seller and to have a positive impact on marital compatibility.

Barra also announced plans for a new Crossover Vehicle aimed at the male market.  The Cadillac Sportsman includes multiple high definition screens showing live sports events or highlights.  The screen images will also project onto the windshield while the vehicle is in motion.  Buyers can also add the Make-up Station to the Sportsmen as an optional upgrade.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Department of Energy Unveils Renewable Green Energy Plan

New clean energy technology unveiled
DOE officials announced an exciting new green energy project that leverages Wind Turbine technology without the need for towering Turbines that destroy the view and are harmful to birds. 

The plan calls for the deployment of thousands of manual energy turbines located in residential neighborhoods across the country. 

The administration expects the program to provide 37% of the nation’s power needs and is hopeful that it will significantly stimulate the economy with the addition of 2,425,000 new Green Energy positions needed to power the system.

Environmentalists welcomed the plan and said that it represents a bold step into the future of energy for America.  A spokesman said, “No longer will we be held hostage by the oil interests and no longer will we pollute the environment with harmful outdated technology.”

Michelle Obama is also touting the plan as a means to improve the nations health and will lead a partner initiative to create individual work schedules for all Americans based on their need for additional exercise.

DOE officials are exploring other potential applications that include moveable rocking seats that passengers could use to power airplanes and automobile pedals that could allow drivers and passengers to travel without the need for any fuel.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Woman Uses USPS to Beat High Airfares

Returned to sender
A Minnesota woman is under fire after Postal Officials report she attempted to mail a puppy in a box.  The woman is being charged with animal cruelty after she attempted to send the puppy to Georgia using Priority Mail.

 The puppy was discovered when the box fell from a table and postal workers heard sounds coming from inside.

The woman initially planned to set the puppy on the road with a map to the destination but thought the box would be easier on the dog.  When asked how she expected him to survive without food and water the woman responded that she meant to use Overnight Delivery and expected the puppy to arrive in time for breakfast the next day. 

She said the various postal options were confusing and vowed to be more careful when using them in the future.  She did purchase insurance to ensure that the dog could be reimbursed if there was a problem.

During the interview she was reportedly upset that the puppy was not sent through the mail system.  She is worried that  her 5 year old son will be very disappointed if the dog is not there when he arrives in Georgia inside a separate box. 

No charges are expected for mailing the child because she did use Express Mail Overnight Delivery for his box.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Homeland Security Developing Bomb-Detecting Vegetation

New Homeland Security Weapon

A new government study looks at the potential of developing vegetation that can detect explosives and environmental pollutants. 

Colorado State University received an $8 million grant from the Department of Defense. They’ll use the money in hopes of growing plants to detect explosives in shopping malls or airports.  University officials report the project is named “Audrey III”.

The plants are designed to change color if they are in the proximity of the questionable materials.  Homeland Security officials envision using the plants in airports, shopping malls and other soft targets throughout the United States. 

Officials acknowledge the plants are only effective if security personnel are located in the area but they report this is only the first step in their plan.

Ultimately, scientists hope to genetically enable plants to detect explosives and pollutants and then actually eradicate the problem.

Defense Department botanists are close to live testing of large Venus Fly Traps that will sense the material, attack it and consume it rendering it harmless.  There was no comment on reports that the test plant also attacks the individuals in possession of the materials.

While officials are excited about the initiative, they report that Implementation will be delayed until a new Botanist is hired to head the project.  The previous project lead disappeared suddenly and cannot been located.  He was last seen in the lab fertilizing the giant Venus Flytrap prototype.