Monday, January 24, 2011

US Military Takes Steps to Quell Hot Political Rhetoric

New Military Training Tools
 The aftermath of the Arizona Shootings continues to impact the political scene.  At the request of administration officials, the Defense Department announced significant changes in military training regimen and established new standards for military weapons.

Effective immediately pilots will no longer "target" enemy troops or aircraft.  Instead, they will state they are making "eye contact".  The move is an attempt to remove aggressive language references that could   inflame some individuals in American society.  In addition,  eye contact symbolizes effective communication and has strong ties with American military history.  Field commanders will now encourage their troops to withhold contact until they see the whites of their eyes.

Soldiers will no longer use "weapons".  Instead they will refer to them as Utensils of Potential Harm (UPH's).  According to the announcement, weapon aiming apparatus will no longer incorporate crosshairs and they will no longer aim at targets.  Snipers will now be trained using film excerpts of Gary Cooper as Sargent York.   They will be instructed in the application of Kentucky Windage and will be trained to shoot using a wet finger extended in the air to assess range, elevation and environmental factors before engaging  people and materials they make eye contact with.

Sociologists applaud the change and feel it will have a significant impact on attempts to improve the political dialogue in our nation. 

Basic and advanced weapons training will no longer use targets as they carry a stigma and represent potential endorsement of violence.  Instead, soldiers will point their UPH's at rows of cans and bottles.

The Pentagon is working with the Environmental Protection Agency to study the potential impact of broken glass and aluminum on the environment and local wildlife before implementing the plan.  In the interim, soldiers will practice using the sides of old barns. 

Soldiers will no longer be rated as Marksman, Sharpshooter, or Expert.   Instead they will be classified as "Able to Hit the Side of a Barn" and "Unable to Hit the Side of a Barn". 

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

New GEICO Commercial Bears Scrutiny

Bare bears exposed

Geico, noted for its Little Piggy crying Wee, wee, wee all the way home and wood chuck chucking woodchuck ads faced their first setback.  Officials have confirmed that the latest commercial was banned by the FCC.

In the commercial the Robert Stack impersonator asks, "Does a bear s#&* in the woods?" 

The commercial was opposed by Bear rights groups who argued that the commercial was demeaning to bears and invades their privacy.  

Geico also scrapped plans for a spot that asks “Is the Pope Italian” when they discovered that he is not.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Obama Reverses Cuban Travel Decision

Obama delivering the grim news

President Obama made two major announcements affecting travel between the US and Cuba.  Earlier this week he announced that Cruise Ships could begin carrying Americans to Cuba.

Cruise Lines moved quickly to meet the pent up demand among the nations wealthy and the many Cuban immigrants who settled in Florida.

Within two days over 150 Cruises embarked from Florida ports bound for the Island of Cuba.  Passengers included Rush Limbaugh, known to lust for Cuban Cigars, Glen Beck and thousands of Floridians who had regularly voted Republican in recent years.

Yesterday, in a stunning reversal, the administration announced that all returning Cruise Ships from Cuba would be blockaded and could not return to the US.  When questioned, he confirmed that any citizens on those ships should make plans to remain in Cuba at least until after the next election. 

The President denied reports that the reversal was politically motivated and said with a noticeable smile, “I had no idea that Rush and Glen would be affected by my decision.  I’m sure it will be difficult for all of us in the administration to get through the next two years without their guidance.”

Friday, January 14, 2011

Sarah Palin Weighs in on Penguins Crisis

Penguins band together at rally

Animal rights groups are enraged over reports that penguins tagged with tracker bands are at increased risk of dying.    Recent reports indicate that the survival rate of banded penguins is 44% lower and banded females produce fewer chicks than their un-banded counterparts.

According to a new study, some scientists studying the tuxedo-clad penguins may be inadvertently harming them with the metal bands they use to keep track of their travels.  Theories as to why vary, but it is believed the bands increase the drag when the penguins swim. 

Former Alaskan Governor, Sarah Palin weighed in on the matter and suggested the bands be replaced by electronic cards that the penguins can just keep in their Tuxedo pockets.  When reporters pointed out that penguins don't actually wear tuxedos she said, "I knew that, then let them just put it in their pants pocket by golly".

News of the study spread quickly and resulted in several legislative proposals from the right that would require the banding of any undocumented immigrants in an attempt to limit their number and reduce the anchor baby problem.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Zombies Kill George Lucas Plan

Link to original story:

Actors rise up in protest

In a horrifying development, deceased Hollywood film star Zombies broke up a press conference called by George Lucas to announce plans to use digital re-creations of dead actors in film projects.   

Officials suspect that Wiki Leaks released the information to the deceased shortly before the event.  Free speech advocates applauded the leak as a victory for dead rights.

A spokesman for Lucas said it was a sad day for Hollywood when the deceased stars put themselves ahead of the viewing public.

According to reports Lucas also planned to announce the release of the first film using a digital representation of deceased actors. 

He recently completed filming of  "The Return of Lawrence of Arabia" starring digitized versions Peter O'Toole and Omar Sharif.   He was stunned to discover that both O'Toole and Sharif are actually still alive. 

Upon realizing his mistake he delayed release of the movie for a few months saying, "They can't be around too much longer."

There are also reports that the studio producers are not happy with the final version and are considering using a digital  Albert Hitchcock to re-film the sequel.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Crayola Crayons Color Racial Controversy

Offensive items renamed

 The ACLU is demanding that Crayola Crayons no longer refer to "Black" and "Red" crayons.  They want them labeled "African American" and "Native American" respectively.  Asian and Hispanic rights  groups are also considering alternative names for the yellow and brown crayons.

An ACLU spokesman said the use of colors only reinforces the negative stereotypes of minority groups and this needs to stop now.

In order to avoid offending anyone now or in the future, Crayola is considering identifying all crayons by number instead of using the potentially offensive descriptions.

The proposed new names are:
1 - White
2 - Orange
3 - Brown
4 - Yellow
5 - Black
6 - Violet
7 - Green
8 - Red
9 - Blue

The NCAA has already filed a complaint demanding that the black crayons have a higher number than the brown and yellow ones.   The Native American Rights Fund is demanding that the Red  crayon be sold in a separate box to preserve it's tribal identity.  All of the groups are objecting to the number 1 being used to replace the white crayon.

Crayola stock prices plunged on the news and there are fears of massive layoffs.  Analysts expect profits to drop sharply and they predict the company will soon be in the Native American.  It could be at least 3 quarters before the company returns to the African American. 

Company officials did not comment on a rumor that Crayola may just blend all the colors into one crayon in the future to avoid offending anyone.   

The new crayon would be represented by the symbol ¥ pronounced, "The colors formerly know as whiteorangebrownyellowblackvioletgreenredblue".  

Officials also refused to comment on  reports that mixed race groups are now objecting to the rumored plan because it perpetuates the mixed race stereotype.   Representatives of the artist formerly known as Prince are reporting that he may file a restraining order preventing the change because it could be confused with his symbol.

Coloring book publishers are studying the controversy and considering the release of new coloring books that contain assorted colored pages with no pictures.  Educators and child psychologists support the plan and say that it will eliminate the embarrassment of coloring outside the lines.  Talks are underway with the minority rights groups to determine in what order the colored pages should be.

*Editors correction:  The portion of this story that says, Analysts expect profits to drop sharply and they predict the company will soon be in the Native American.  It could be at least 3 quarters before the company returns to the African American is incorrect.

It should have said, Analysts expect profits to drop sharply and they predict the company will soon be in the red.  It could be at least 3 quarters before the company returns to the black.    Mark Time apologizes for the error.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Jason Werth Returns to Phillies

Phanatic on the way out
Ruben Amaro confirmed that the Jason Werth will be rejoining the Philadelphia Phillies after a blockbuster trade with the Washington Nationals.  Werth demanded a trade after he realized what a dumb move it was to sign with Washington now that the Phillies have added Cliff Lee to the starting rotation.

Washington agreed to pay all of Werth’ s salary for the next seven  years after Amaro agreed to include the Philly Phanatic in the deal.  Amaro said Washington also wanted 2 Beer Vendors recently acquired from San Francisco but he was reluctant to deplete the vendor staff as he expected stadium sales to be brisk next year.

Amaro said, "We all know what a key part of the Phillies the Phanatic has been but he's reaching the end of his playing around days and we felt it was time for a change.  Amaro said he approached Werth about helping fill the Phanatic’s shoes and Jason said, "No F#&*#$*  way”. 

Shane Victorino then stepped forward and offered to wear a furry costume and dance on the dugout during the bottom of the sixth inning at home games.  Victorino will also wear the costume while playing Center field in the top of the 6th inning.  The new mascot will be called the Phurry Phlyin Hawaiian.

When asked about his reaction to the trade the Phanatic said nothing but waved his arms wildly and drew devil horns on a photo of Ruben Amaro.

It is reported that the Nationals received $100 Million Dollars from government stimulus funds to complete the deal.  Officials explained that the signing turned out to be such a disaster it qualified for the money under the Cash for Clunkers Program.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Huckleberry Finn Updated

New roles for Tom & Huck
NewSouth Books’ upcoming edition of Mark Twain’s seminal novel Adventures of Huckleberry Finn will remove all instances of the “n” word.  The change is in response to complaints that repeated uses of the N-word and "Injun" are insulting to blacks and native Americans.

Publishers also plan additional changes to ensure the novel  is more respectful  and  in line with current societal thinking.

Huck will be portrayed as a gay boy who yearns to be a girl.  He will wear a dress for the entire time rather than the single scene in the original story.  The King and the Duke are now conservative Republican  fundraisers swindling townspeople as they go down the river.

In addition,   Huckleberry Finn will no longer smoke a pipe and will advise his classmates to avoid tobacco and high fat foods because it causes cancer and heart disease.  The non smoking advice will occur when Huck and his classmates are enjoying a meal under the school lunch program.

Jim will not be portrayed as a fleeing slave but instead will be a baseball player testing free agency and Huck will be his agent as they tour potential teams on their journey down the Mississippi. 

The publishers statement said that the changes are in line with Mark Twain's philosophy of exposing the evil in society  and added that if Twain were alive today he would surely be writing of the owners exploitation of the vulnerable minority athlete.

Publishers are also looking into possible revisions to Uncle Tom's Cabin and plan to change the title to The Conservative Puppet's Cabin.

Jason Werth Excited about Phillies new Rotation

Werth excited about rotation
Jason Werth said he can’t wait to get to Clearwater and is really looking forward to next season now that the Phillies have four top starters with the acquisition of Cliff Lee. 

Werth said, "With this rotation we are a lock to go back to the World Series again.  I'm really excited about playing behind them."

When reporters asked Werth about the multi-year contract he had just signed with the Washington Nationals he said, "F*&#*”. 

After a brief discussion with his agent, Scott Boras, Werth announced things were just not working out in Washington and he was demanding a trade back to the Phillies.   

The Phillies have indicated they would be willing to take Werth back if Washington agrees to pay his salary.  Washington officials are considering the deal and have petitioned for bailout funds from the White House.

Werth said he intends to report to the Phillies Spring Training Complex and plans to lie on the ground and hold his breath until Washington agrees to his terms.


Tuesday, January 4, 2011

New Jersey Seizing Unused Gift Cards

New Jersey is moving forward with a law that allows the state to confiscate any unused gift cards after 2 years.   Under the plan state employees will be granted access to all residences every 120 days to search for unused cards. 

Governor Christie announced this will signify reduce the state deficit and provide alternate means of satisfying state obligations in the future.

Effective October 2011, retired state employees will receive 75% of their pension in cash and the rest in partially used gift cards. Current employee bonuses will now include buy one get one free coupons for McDonald’s products.   The state also announced that residents filing for tax refunds will now be able to select from an assortment of partial gift cards in lieu of cash.

Christie also confirmed that he is forgoing his salary and will now be paid with unused Cold Stone Creamery Gift Cards. 

Buoyed by the anticipated success of the program the state legislature is also planning to seize Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner leftovers that are not consumed within 2 days of the holiday.  Food stamp programs will include unused gift cards to Red Lobster, Friendly's and California Pizza Kitchen as well as leftover holiday meals. 

Officials applauded the effort as a creative bipartisan approach to relieve the debt problems facing the state.   Future plans call for seizure of any clothing not worn at least one time during each season and late homework assignments for grades six through twelve.  

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Baywatch Actress Exposed by TSA

Modesty violated
Former Baywatch beauty and Playboy model Donna D’Errico claimed she was singled out for a full body scan because of her looks and complains that her privacy was violated.

The actress and former Playboy Playmate says she was humiliated by a smirking airport security guard who picked her out of a line in Los Angeles and ordered her to go through the ‘naked’ scanner.  The actress previously starred in Baywatch during which she usually wore only a revealing bathing suit.

‘After the search, I noticed that the male TSA agent who had pulled me out of line was smiling and whispering with two other TSA agents and glancing at me. I was outraged,’ she said.  She also felt it was unusual that she was required to go through the scanner two more times before she was allowed to leave the airport. 

Apparently she was upset because the man monitoring the scanner video was the only American male that had not seen her naked already.

Investigators are looking into reports that Ms. D’Errico was also required to go through a scanner at the baggage claim area, the rental car drop off, and the local McDonalds.

Link to original story…