|New Military Training Tools|
Effective immediately pilots will no longer "target" enemy troops or aircraft. Instead, they will state they are making "eye contact". The move is an attempt to remove aggressive language references that could inflame some individuals in American society. In addition, eye contact symbolizes effective communication and has strong ties with American military history. Field commanders will now encourage their troops to withhold contact until they see the whites of their eyes.
Soldiers will no longer use "weapons". Instead they will refer to them as Utensils of Potential Harm (UPH's). According to the announcement, weapon aiming apparatus will no longer incorporate crosshairs and they will no longer aim at targets. Snipers will now be trained using film excerpts of Gary Cooper as Sargent York. They will be instructed in the application of Kentucky Windage and will be trained to shoot using a wet finger extended in the air to assess range, elevation and environmental factors before engaging people and materials they make eye contact with.
Sociologists applaud the change and feel it will have a significant impact on attempts to improve the political dialogue in our nation.
Basic and advanced weapons training will no longer use targets as they carry a stigma and represent potential endorsement of violence. Instead, soldiers will point their UPH's at rows of cans and bottles.
The Pentagon is working with the Environmental Protection Agency to study the potential impact of broken glass and aluminum on the environment and local wildlife before implementing the plan. In the interim, soldiers will practice using the sides of old barns.
Soldiers will no longer be rated as Marksman, Sharpshooter, or Expert. Instead they will be classified as "Able to Hit the Side of a Barn" and "Unable to Hit the Side of a Barn".