Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Legislatures and TSA React to Candy Cane Controversy

Seized Weapons Cache
The impact of the Battlefield High School Christmas Sweater Terrorists continues to grow.  Federal, State and Local Officials are scrambling to react to the newly discovered threat.

TSA officials have added candy canes, popsicles on a stick and certain lollipops to the list of banned items on flights.  Several states are also about to enact legislation controlling the sale of the candy canes and other dangerous items under existing gun laws. 

Washington DC has already declared that it is illegal to carry an unregistered Candy Cane or Lollipop within the city limits and if convicted violators risk a mandatory 5 year sentence.  New Candy Cane Free School Zones have also been created in several states.

DEA officials raided Wal-Mart, Target and several other retailers and confiscated large supplies of potentially dangerous candy canes while local police are publicizing "Candy Cane Amnesty" programs.  Citizens will not face criminal charges if they turn in all their candy canes and lollipops voluntarily at local police drop off sites.

Officials are considering how to respond to the announcement that some retailers plan to hold Candy Shows simultaneously with Gun Shows in the coming year.  They fear individuals will be able to purchase candy canes and bypass the new wait periods. 

Candy manufacturers are not expected to be hurt by the campaigns as they report unexplained sharp increases in sales of candy canes in Afghanistan and Pakistan.  North Korea reports that they already have the capability of producing large amounts of Candy Canes and Lollipops and Iran is believed to be close to the acquisition of candy cane technology. 

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said it is the right of the Iranian people to possess candy canes and lollipops but that they would only for used peaceful purposes.  The United States is petitioning the UN Security Council to send in a Candy Cane inspection team to determine how close the Iranian program is to production.

The administration is planning to host Candy Reduction Agreement Program talks with Russia to prevent a new arms race before it can begin. 

In a related event, Michelle Obama announced the release of new String Bean, Asparagus and Broccoli Spears that are genetically engineered to have red and white stripes filling  the void left by the outlawed candy canes. 

They will be included in all school lunch programs and analysts expect them to be big sellers as decorations for next years Christmas Trees.

Read the actual story here….


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