The NFL today announced a new event aimed at taking advantage of the seasonal anti-Christmas controversy and provide relief to 2 struggling franchises at the same time. Concerned about the poor records of the Detroit Lions (3-10) and the Carolina Panthers (1-12) they decided to bring back a 3000 year old Roman event. League officials have booked the LA Coliseum as the site of two NFL vs. The Christians events.
A spokesman said, "Clearly, the time is ripe for this idea. Many people are up in arms about Christians again attempting to hijack the holiday season. We feel there is a sizable market that wants to see these Christians silenced and we expect both events to be sold out.
We also feel this gives the Lions and Panthers a reasonably good chance to win. The results will be included in their official records and this should boost the players' and fans' self-esteem quite a bit."
The plan calls for the roundup of anyone who complains about the use of the word "Holiday" in place of "Christmas" between now and December 25th. The group will be culled to 100 participants who will attend basic football training leading up to the events planned for prime time viewing on New Year’s Day.
Officials feel the one week camp will adequately prepare the group and pointed out that the original Christians were given no formal training by the Romans.
While it would probably not be acceptable to use real animals the NFL feels the team mascot names will bring a sense of realism to the events. Unlike the original Roman Coliseum events these will not be to the death but the Christians will not be allowed to wear protective padding. The networks felt the hits would be more dramatic if the Christians just wore robes.
Officials will wear Roman Centurion outfits and the crowds will have the opportunity to rule "Thumbs Up" or "Thumbs Down" if the Christians appeal any of the calls on the field.
Las Vegas bookmakers are planning to accept over and under wagers on the number of Christians who are injured during the event.
The ACLU applauds the plan and said that In addition to the obvious entertainment value, this should make it easier to eliminate the use of the word "Christmas" in future years.
Officials said there is no truth to the rumor that loaves and fishes will be sold at the concession stands during the contests.
Officials said there is no truth to the rumor that loaves and fishes will be sold at the concession stands during the contests.
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