Top NCAA Teams Demand Do Over

Top schools allege upsets are unfair

Duke, Syracuse, Florida, Kansas and Notre Dame University have petitioned the NCAA to call for a do over so they can attempt to reverse upset losses in this year’s March Madness Tournament.

In a joint statement the teams contend they were unprepared for the inferior lower seeds ability to compete and state that they would have taken the games more seriously if they knew their opponents were really going to try to win.

The petition is cosigned by 2,573,626 NCAA Basketball Pool participants who feel their pool picks were really much better than the actual way the tournament has evolved and demand that history be corrected.

The White House confirmed rumors that President Obama has signed the petition and asked Attorney General Eric Holder to provide full support to the petitioners in the effort.

Hillary Clinton is reportedly in negotiations with the University of Pittsburgh in a last ditch attempt to convince them to join in the effort and salvage the President’s bracket picks.

Obama Takes Leads in Egyptian Snake Search

President Obama, reeling from criticism that he has not effectively led the effort in Libya took prompt unilateral steps today to form a coalition in the United Nations to deal with the escaped Egyptian Cobra at the Brooklyn zoo.

Unidentified White House officials were quick to praise the president’s decisive action and expect a multi-national coalition will begin the search in Brooklyn by next week.  They expect the move to reassure voters that the President is able to effectively lead the nation through the many unique challenges it now faces. 

In a prepared statement the President said, “Snakes have been recorded as a threat as far back as the Garden of Eden.  The American people expect their leaders to protect them and my plan will effectively eliminate this threat. 

The President went on to say that Garden of Eden was believed by many to be in an area now occupied by Iraq and that the previous administration took no steps to deal with this potential problem.

The Arab League and CAIR reacted sharply to the news and condemned the plan citing it as another example of American oppression.  They pointed out that the snake was in the United States legally and is entitled to the same freedoms as other domestic animals.

Upon hearing the opposition, President Obama called for a pause in action and put Vice President Biden in charge of the effort. 

The Vice President announced that he would  embark tomorrow on a 15 day expedition to the Amazon  and the Southwest to study the habits of snakes and would soon release a comprehensive plan to recapture to serpent.

Undocumented Aliens Invade DC

Alien attorneys discuss suit

An alien spacecraft landed on the mall in Washington DC early this morning setting off alarms and elevating the Military readiness level to Defcon 4.

At 11:08 AM, three creatures emerged from the craft as terrified onlookers ran from the scene.  The creatures were carrying a case and quickly left in a cab headed towards Pennsylvania Avenue.  Police and military attempted to pursue but were unable to keep up with the taxi as it sped towards Georgetown.

At 2:18 PM the creatures returned and immediately called a press conference before boarding their spacecraft.   The aliens are able to communicate using any earth language but settled on Spanish because they assumed it was the national language.  Apparently, they had been to California last week but no one noticed anything unusual as they travelled the state. 

The Aliens announced that today they served legal papers on several Georgetown area residents attempting to register stars and that more suits would follow.

The Aliens distributed copies of a document and announced that they represented the Galactic Matter Development Board in a claim against 28,000 earthlings who are attempting to change the names of previously claimed stars through StarRegistry.com.

As word spread, masses of local trial lawyers began to assemble in the area hoping to represent the earthlings named in the suit.

The Aliens contend that 92% of the stars have already been claimed by citizens of Galdorp 7 and that any further activity would result in 8th Degree intergalactic lawsuits that are decided in a physical battle to the death between opposing lawyers.  On their world these lawsuits are shown on highly rated Holographic Video broadcasts. 

They report that in addition to providing entertaining violent programming it significantly limits the number of frivolous lawsuits.

As the Alien spoke, the assembled trial lawyers began to quietly leave the area and declined to comment.

Shortly after the craft rose and disappeared on the horizon, the Senate took up debate to determine if the aliens were entitled to citizenship and all benefits.   The San Francisco Board of Supervisors approved a vote declaring it was an official Sanctuary City for any intergalactic aliens who choose to settle there.

A spokesman for StarRegistry.com said they intended to aggressively contest the charges.  There was no confirmation to reports that they are unable to find a lawyer willing to represent them.  At last report they are working with World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) to find a representative to handle the suit.

New Plans Unveiled to Eliminate All Greenhouse Gasses

New Solution to Climate Change

Climatologists released a major report endorsing a plan they believe will eliminate greenhouse gasses and end the global warming threat once and for all. 

Irving M. Dents, PhD announced that the solution is so simple that it was overlooked all these years.  The plan calls for the immediate destruction of all greenhouses throughout the world.  Doctor Dents is confident his plan will virtually eliminate the gasses emanating from the greenhouses ending the global threat.  He predicts that temperatures will immediately drop and climates will stabilize at normal levels.

The proposal was met with skepticism by another group of scientists who fear the plan will result in catastrophic damages throughout the world.  Their report warns of dire consequences if greenhouses are destroyed and release all their gas into the atmosphere.  The group agrees the greenhouses are at the heart of the solution but they insist we need thousands of additional larger greenhouses to contain the gasses preventing them from leaking into the atmosphere.

Politicians are divided along party lines with Democrats supporting the destruction of greenhouses and adding that the effort will create thousands of new greenhouse demolition jobs.

Republicans feel additional greenhouses will not only solve the environmental challenge but will also stimulate the economy and create thousands of new greenhouse construction jobs.

The Administration is considering the proposals and may move forward with both rather than risk picking the wrong solution. Regardless of the final decision they plan to propose a new Green Jobs Investment Tax on the building or destruction of any greenhouses.  

Officials are discussing whether the new greenhouses should be constructed on the sites of the newly destroyed ones or whether they should be built in new locations.  Analysts expect them to decide on new locations so that the destruction and construction can begin simultaneously.  The $427 Billion effort will begin using stimulus funds. 

The Congressional Budget Office estimates the effort will eliminate the current deficit by reducting future medical costs as a result of the improved climate.  The Senate Finance Committee is already planning how to use the projected savings to fund additional new projects.

FBI Restructures as White Collar Crime Drops



Criminals favor business casual dress



The impact of the recent budget cuts is already impacting the FBI.  Agency officials are studying how to react to the sharp decrease in White Collar Crimes.  Congressional pressure to reduce costs and streamline operations is driving plans to significantly reorganize the operation.

An FBI spokesman said the drop in white collar crime can be tied to the sharp increase in business casual dress codes throughout the business community. 

He went on to say that at the same time, Business Casual Crime has sharply increased.   This has complicated the investigation process because agents can no longer focus only on those in white shirts.  The new criminal could conceivably be wearing any kind of casual clothing to blend in with the crowd. 

The Bureau is funding a $705 million study to determine clothing trends of the new business world criminals.  They plan to update training and investigative techniques to refocus their efforts on the most likely offenders.

The spokesman said, "No longer will our agents be forced to work in the dark.  Now they will have the intelligence they need to dismantle the growing business casual criminal networks that have infiltrated the business world.

Gumby Announces Comeback

Old Gumby

New Gumby

Former star Gumby  has seen his career hit bottom recently as children have moved to more digital entertainment options.  A spokesman announced yesterday that Gumby is working with a new publicist in hopes of a reinvigorated career.   

After reviewing focus group feedback Gumby realized he needed to drastically update his image if he hoped to return to popularity. 

At the end of the press conference, Gumby made surprise appearance to reveal the shocking transformation to his new updated image.

Congress Passes new Bipartisan Abortion Bill

Teens fear the worst

 Pro-choice and Pro-life Activists found common ground and joined forces in calling for a significant change to abortion laws.

The bipartisan bill gained widespread support from the left and right.  The Bill calls for approval of post-term abortions that are expected to reduce teenage crime, drug use and unwed births.  School officials expect standard testing scores to sharply rise as well.

The new law gives parents a meaningful option with real leverage in dealing with unruly teenagers.  Under the proposal, if both parents or a majority of neighbors agree, children between ages 13 and 19 can be euthanized in a new Post-Term Abortion procedure.

In a recent Quinnipiac Poll, 84% of parents support the measure.  13% would like the age range expanded to include ages two through 29 and 3% are teenagers themselves.

Most teenagers were reluctant to comment and fear their statements could be used against them at a Post-term Abortion Hearing.   Last week, 14 year old Adam Lucifer said he could care less and that he loves driving his parents crazy by ignoring them and constantly getting into trouble.

When reporters contacted his parents yesterday they said Adam was no longer living with them and that it was not likely he would ever be available for a follow-up statement.

State and local governments are already anticipating savings from smaller class sizes and less disruption at school.  Retailers expect sharp increases in profits as a result of a drop in shoplifting and vandalism. 

Frustrated parents shared heartbreaking stories about their children.  One pro-life member said, " I never imagined how my sweet little baby could become such a royal pain in the ass.  Now I can let him know what will happen if he doesn't change….real soon."

Hugo Chavez Joins Renewable Energy Effort

Chavez explains plan to Sean Penn

Hugo Chavez announced plans to leverage the Saudi Arabian Dinosaur Cloning Project highlighted in the 2/14/2011 edition of Doubtful Competency to ensure the future of Venezuela. 

The Venezuelan leader launched a plan that will create 1000 Hugo Chavez clones able to lead the Venezuelan people well into the future. 

He simultaneously declared that the leader of the country will no longer be called the President.  Instead, the leader will be known as the “Hugo Chavez”.  As a result of the change and the endless supply of future Hugo Chavez’s he called off any elections for the next 125,642 years.

Sean Penn released a statement praising the plan and said he is pleased that the Venezuelan people are now assured of a stable future free of the distractions in the American political system.   Penn refused to comment on reports that he recently sent DNA samples to Chavez but he confirmed he will be starring in 427 film projects this year.

Saudi Arabia Launches Renewable Energy Project

Saudi Renewable energy sources

The Saudi Royal Family announced groundbreaking steps to counter claims in recent WikiLeaks documents that report the Saudi Oil reserves are overestimated by 40%. 

Saudi Officials announced an aggressive new program aimed at redefining Fossil Fuels as a renewable energy source.

Saudi Arabia is assembling the largest group of geneticist in a $795 Billion effort to clone hundreds of thousands of dinosaurs that will eventually replenish the vast Saudi Oil Fields. 

A spokesman reported that major advances in cloning make it possible to ensure that Arab States retain their stranglehold on world energy for the next 200 million years. 

The stock market reception was mixed.  While analysts are excited about the wider application of cloning, concern about potential oversupplies of oil in 2 or 3 million years caused energy futures to plunge.

Phillies Announce Major Deal with Pirates

Several Phillies headed to Pittsburgh

Rumors circulating around the Phillies front office indicate there are serious concerns about the team’s offensive support this season.   

Amaro is responding to concerns from the players that the Phillies pitching rotation of Haliday, Lee, Hamels and Oswalt is so strong they will not be able to successfully practice their offensive skills if they face them this spring.

Taking drastic steps, Ruben Amaro announced that Phillies position players will not be required to attend the first 4 weeks of spring training in Clearwater.  Instead, Amaro negotiated a deal with the Pirates that allows the Phillies batters to join the Pittsburgh Pirates Bradenton Florida spring training camp for the first four weeks. 

Both Amaro and the players feel that the Pirates extremely high team ERA represents the best opportunity to for the players to work on batting skills in the early preseason.

Amaro feels confident that after working with the Pirates pitching for a few weeks the players will be ready to return to Clearwater for the remainder of the pre-season.

GM Unveils the New Chevrolet Mascara

Link to original story:  http://money.cnn.com/2011/01/20/news/companies/gm_barra/index.htm
 

Designed with the woman in mind



General Motors promoted Mary Barra as its new head of product development, the first woman to hold that key position at a major automaker. 

Barra immediately unveiled the new Chevrolet Mascara that targets the married couples market. 

Studies showed that the husbands spend an average of 324 hours per year waiting for their spouse in a car. 

The new Mascara was designed to reduce spousal wait time by providing additional features for women ending the last minute activities now completed at home.

The passenger side dashboard quickly converts to a make-up station with special lighting features and space for assorted lipsticks, mascara and other make-up items.  The Mascara also has power outlets for curling irons and hair styling appliances. 

GM offers an optional roll-in closet that will accommodate 5 changes of clothes reducing the need for wives to make those difficult decisions about what to wear before they leave the house.

The Make-up Station quickly converts to the driver’s side for those occasions when the woman drives the vehicle.  There is also an optional stealth feature that prevents law enforcement from observing any make-up activity.  The technology converts the windows into 2-way glass that projects the image of a driver focused intently on driving from the exterior while the driver is free to attend to any personal make up needs.

Buyers can also purchase an option that automatically returns the vehicle to the starting point up to three time to retrieve items forgotten when the spouse left the house. Analysts expect the car to be a big seller and to have a positive impact on marital compatibility.

Barra also announced plans for a new Crossover Vehicle aimed at the male market.  The Cadillac Sportsman includes multiple high definition screens showing live sports events or highlights.  The screen images will also project onto the windshield while the vehicle is in motion.  Buyers can also add the Make-up Station to the Sportsmen as an optional upgrade.

Department of Energy Unveils Renewable Green Energy Plan





New clean energy technology unveiled

DOE officials announced an exciting new green energy project that leverages Wind Turbine technology without the need for towering Turbines that destroy the view and are harmful to birds. 

The plan calls for the deployment of thousands of manual energy turbines located in residential neighborhoods across the country. 

The administration expects the program to provide 37% of the nation’s power needs and is hopeful that it will significantly stimulate the economy with the addition of 2,425,000 new Green Energy positions needed to power the system.

Environmentalists welcomed the plan and said that it represents a bold step into the future of energy for America.  A spokesman said, “No longer will we be held hostage by the oil interests and no longer will we pollute the environment with harmful outdated technology.”

Michelle Obama is also touting the plan as a means to improve the nations health and will lead a partner initiative to create individual work schedules for all Americans based on their need for additional exercise.

DOE officials are exploring other potential applications that include moveable rocking seats that passengers could use to power airplanes and automobile pedals that could allow drivers and passengers to travel without the need for any fuel.

Woman Uses USPS to Beat High Airfares

Link to original story: http://minnesota.cbslocal.com/2011/02/01/woman-tries-to-mail-puppy-in-box/



Returned to sender

A Minnesota woman is under fire after Postal Officials report she attempted to mail a puppy in a box.  The woman is being charged with animal cruelty after she attempted to send the puppy to Georgia using Priority Mail.

 The puppy was discovered when the box fell from a table and postal workers heard sounds coming from inside.

The woman initially planned to set the puppy on the road with a map to the destination but thought the box would be easier on the dog.  When asked how she expected him to survive without food and water the woman responded that she meant to use Overnight Delivery and expected the puppy to arrive in time for breakfast the next day. 

She said the various postal options were confusing and vowed to be more careful when using them in the future.  She did purchase insurance to ensure that the dog could be reimbursed if there was a problem.

During the interview she was reportedly upset that the puppy was not sent through the mail system.  She is worried that  her 5 year old son will be very disappointed if the dog is not there when he arrives in Georgia inside a separate box. 

No charges are expected for mailing the child because she did use Express Mail Overnight Delivery for his box.

Homeland Security Developing Bomb-Detecting Vegetation

Link to original story: http://denver.cbslocal.com/2011/01/26/csu-gets-grants-for-bomb-detecting-vegetation/



New Homeland Security Weapon



A new government study looks at the potential of developing vegetation that can detect explosives and environmental pollutants. 

Colorado State University received an $8 million grant from the Department of Defense. They’ll use the money in hopes of growing plants to detect explosives in shopping malls or airports.  University officials report the project is named “Audrey III”.

The plants are designed to change color if they are in the proximity of the questionable materials.  Homeland Security officials envision using the plants in airports, shopping malls and other soft targets throughout the United States. 

Officials acknowledge the plants are only effective if security personnel are located in the area but they report this is only the first step in their plan.

Ultimately, scientists hope to genetically enable plants to detect explosives and pollutants and then actually eradicate the problem.

Defense Department botanists are close to live testing of large Venus Fly Traps that will sense the material, attack it and consume it rendering it harmless.  There was no comment on reports that the test plant also attacks the individuals in possession of the materials.

While officials are excited about the initiative, they report that Implementation will be delayed until a new Botanist is hired to head the project.  The previous project lead disappeared suddenly and cannot been located.  He was last seen in the lab fertilizing the giant Venus Flytrap prototype.

US Military Takes Steps to Quell Hot Political Rhetoric



New Military Training Tools

 The aftermath of the Arizona Shootings continues to impact the political scene.  At the request of administration officials, the Defense Department announced significant changes in military training regimen and established new standards for military weapons.

Effective immediately pilots will no longer "target" enemy troops or aircraft.  Instead, they will state they are making "eye contact".  The move is an attempt to remove aggressive language references that could   inflame some individuals in American society.  In addition,  eye contact symbolizes effective communication and has strong ties with American military history.  Field commanders will now encourage their troops to withhold contact until they see the whites of their eyes.

Soldiers will no longer use "weapons".  Instead they will refer to them as Utensils of Potential Harm (UPH's).  According to the announcement, weapon aiming apparatus will no longer incorporate crosshairs and they will no longer aim at targets.  Snipers will now be trained using film excerpts of Gary Cooper as Sargent York.   They will be instructed in the application of Kentucky Windage and will be trained to shoot using a wet finger extended in the air to assess range, elevation and environmental factors before engaging  people and materials they make eye contact with.

Sociologists applaud the change and feel it will have a significant impact on attempts to improve the political dialogue in our nation. 

Basic and advanced weapons training will no longer use targets as they carry a stigma and represent potential endorsement of violence.  Instead, soldiers will point their UPH's at rows of cans and bottles.

The Pentagon is working with the Environmental Protection Agency to study the potential impact of broken glass and aluminum on the environment and local wildlife before implementing the plan.  In the interim, soldiers will practice using the sides of old barns. 

Soldiers will no longer be rated as Marksman, Sharpshooter, or Expert.   Instead they will be classified as "Able to Hit the Side of a Barn" and "Unable to Hit the Side of a Barn". 

New GEICO Commercial Bears Scrutiny




Bare bears exposed


Geico, noted for its Little Piggy crying Wee, wee, wee all the way home and wood chuck chucking woodchuck ads faced their first setback.  Officials have confirmed that the latest commercial was banned by the FCC.

In the commercial the Robert Stack impersonator asks, "Does a bear s#&* in the woods?" 

The commercial was opposed by Bear rights groups who argued that the commercial was demeaning to bears and invades their privacy.  

Geico also scrapped plans for a spot that asks “Is the Pope Italian” when they discovered that he is not.

Obama Reverses Cuban Travel Decision

Link to original story: http://www.miamiherald.com/2011/01/14/2016622/obama-to-ease-travel-restrictions.html



Obama delivering the grim news



President Obama made two major announcements affecting travel between the US and Cuba.  Earlier this week he announced that Cruise Ships could begin carrying Americans to Cuba.

Cruise Lines moved quickly to meet the pent up demand among the nations wealthy and the many Cuban immigrants who settled in Florida.

Within two days over 150 Cruises embarked from Florida ports bound for the Island of Cuba.  Passengers included Rush Limbaugh, known to lust for Cuban Cigars, Glen Beck and thousands of Floridians who had regularly voted Republican in recent years.

Yesterday, in a stunning reversal, the administration announced that all returning Cruise Ships from Cuba would be blockaded and could not return to the US.  When questioned, he confirmed that any citizens on those ships should make plans to remain in Cuba at least until after the next election. 

The President denied reports that the reversal was politically motivated and said with a noticeable smile, “I had no idea that Rush and Glen would be affected by my decision.  I’m sure it will be difficult for all of us in the administration to get through the next two years without their guidance.”

Sarah Palin Weighs in on Penguins Crisis

Link to story:  http://www.philly.com/philly/health_and_science/20110113_Study_says_tracking_devices_can_be_harmful_to_penguins.html



Penguins band together at rally



Animal rights groups are enraged over reports that penguins tagged with tracker bands are at increased risk of dying.    Recent reports indicate that the survival rate of banded penguins is 44% lower and banded females produce fewer chicks than their un-banded counterparts.



According to a new study, some scientists studying the tuxedo-clad penguins may be inadvertently harming them with the metal bands they use to keep track of their travels.  Theories as to why vary, but it is believed the bands increase the drag when the penguins swim. 

Former Alaskan Governor, Sarah Palin weighed in on the matter and suggested the bands be replaced by electronic cards that the penguins can just keep in their Tuxedo pockets.  When reporters pointed out that penguins don't actually wear tuxedos she said, "I knew that, then let them just put it in their pants pocket by golly".

News of the study spread quickly and resulted in several legislative proposals from the right that would require the banding of any undocumented immigrants in an attempt to limit their number and reduce the anchor baby problem.

Zombies Kill George Lucas Plan

Link to original story:  http://www.nbcbayarea.com/news/tech/George-Lucas-Wants-to-Resuscitate-Dead-Actors-Using-Computers-111400864.html?dr


Actors rise up in protest



In a horrifying development, deceased Hollywood film star Zombies broke up a press conference called by George Lucas to announce plans to use digital re-creations of dead actors in film projects.   

Officials suspect that Wiki Leaks released the information to the deceased shortly before the event.  Free speech advocates applauded the leak as a victory for dead rights.

A spokesman for Lucas said it was a sad day for Hollywood when the deceased stars put themselves ahead of the viewing public.

According to reports Lucas also planned to announce the release of the first film using a digital representation of deceased actors. 

He recently completed filming of  "The Return of Lawrence of Arabia" starring digitized versions Peter O'Toole and Omar Sharif.   He was stunned to discover that both O'Toole and Sharif are actually still alive. 

Upon realizing his mistake he delayed release of the movie for a few months saying, "They can't be around too much longer."

There are also reports that the studio producers are not happy with the final version and are considering using a digital  Albert Hitchcock to re-film the sequel.

Crayola Crayons Color Racial Controversy



Offensive items renamed



 The ACLU is demanding that Crayola Crayons no longer refer to "Black" and "Red" crayons.  They want them labeled "African American" and "Native American" respectively.  Asian and Hispanic rights  groups are also considering alternative names for the yellow and brown crayons.

An ACLU spokesman said the use of colors only reinforces the negative stereotypes of minority groups and this needs to stop now.

In order to avoid offending anyone now or in the future, Crayola is considering identifying all crayons by number instead of using the potentially offensive descriptions.

The proposed new names are:

1 - White

2 - Orange

3 - Brown

4 - Yellow

5 - Black

6 - Violet

7 - Green

8 - Red

9 - Blue

The NCAA has already filed a complaint demanding that the black crayons have a higher number than the brown and yellow ones.   The Native American Rights Fund is demanding that the Red  crayon be sold in a separate box to preserve it's tribal identity.  All of the groups are objecting to the number 1 being used to replace the white crayon.

Crayola stock prices plunged on the news and there are fears of massive layoffs.  Analysts expect profits to drop sharply and they predict the company will soon be in the Native American.  It could be at least 3 quarters before the company returns to the African American. 

Company officials did not comment on a rumor that Crayola may just blend all the colors into one crayon in the future to avoid offending anyone.   

The new crayon would be represented by the symbol ¥ pronounced, "The colors formerly know as whiteorangebrownyellowblackvioletgreenredblue".  

Officials also refused to comment on  reports that mixed race groups are now objecting to the rumored plan because it perpetuates the mixed race stereotype.   Representatives of the artist formerly known as Prince are reporting that he may file a restraining order preventing the change because it could be confused with his symbol.

Coloring book publishers are studying the controversy and considering the release of new coloring books that contain assorted colored pages with no pictures.  Educators and child psychologists support the plan and say that it will eliminate the embarrassment of coloring outside the lines.  Talks are underway with the minority rights groups to determine in what order the colored pages should be.

*Editors correction:  The portion of this story that says, Analysts expect profits to drop sharply and they predict the company will soon be in the Native American.  It could be at least 3 quarters before the company returns to the African American is incorrect.

It should have said, Analysts expect profits to drop sharply and they predict the company will soon be in the red.  It could be at least 3 quarters before the company returns to the black.    Mark Time apologizes for the error.